Skip to main content

Full text of "The Gateway (2007-10-25)"

See other formats


Ilnirsdnv. 25i>rtol)er.200r • ww\v.iliegatewaji)nline.(!.n 


10 Opinion 

Break out the moonrakers: Space Race II is coming 


^ MATT 

^ LKAC 



J ust when i was gening worried 
that there weren't going to be any 
more Star Wars prequels, China 
comes to my resale. 

Recently, China sent a prabe to the 
moon in an effort to compete with 
long-time rival Japan for domination 
of the final frontier. Tilings are look¬ 
ing up for sci-fi fans everywhere: now 
I just have to stay alive long enough to 
see the exciting parts, which should 
be happening sometime in the next 
century. Hopefully our cryogenics 
programs are advanced enough to get 
me there—I'd love to wake up next to 
Walt Disney on the day they christen a 
new Death Star. 

Ever since the Russian Sputnik pro¬ 
gram sputtered away into the darkness 
of almost-capitalism, this whole space 
thing has been a real drag. First, the 
Americans go to space, and. once sat¬ 
isfied with that, the moon. Then, to 
shake things up. they travel further 
into space and currently have their 
eyes firmly set on Mars. Wake me up 
when the play's over, grandpa. 

Basically, this mouse received a 
cookie, and now lie's slowly seeing 
how far he can push his luck, which 
makes for some boring exploration. 
The best part of the space race was the 
race, not the space. That part is surpris¬ 
ingly dull (and lacking in ether), while 
humans battling humans in space has 


always been totally rad. 

This is why 1 propose the greatest 
East vs West showdown in the history 
of the universe. It will be ten times 
better than the Summit Series, and 20 
times greater than the Cold War. It'll 
be The Battle for the Moon—the kind 
of war that makes you pee your pants 
a little bit out of excitement. 

In the interest of saving time (we’re 
not going to live forever, after all), 
we should look for ways to speed 
along China's progress. We must 
have some good space secrets to 
share, and potentially some EAQs—a 
quick ground control to Major Mao, 
if you will. At the very least, NASA 
could give them the movie set where 
Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin and 
some other people pretended to walk 
on the moon. 

I don’t believe that we're using 
the CanadArm at the moment. Last 
I beard, Canadian astronauts were 
experimenting with passing a space- 
beer from one end of the international 
Space Station to the other, and there 
are future plans for experimental 
space high-fives. Although these are 
important endeavours. I reckon we 
could lend the thing to the Chinese for 
a few years—just so long as they pinky 
swear that they'll bring it back 

Once the shuttle Mao VITlands on the 
moon. Team West should follow suit as 
quickly as possihle. That’s where bases 
come in because if television lias taught 
us anything, it's that you need bases. 
Lots of bases. Thankfully, each side has 
experimented with enclosed artificial 
eco-systerns. Russia can pack up BIOS 3 
and send it to the moon, the Americans 
can shutde up Biosphere 2, and Pauly 
Shore can live in the BioDome. 



MARTIN 


Once the bases are set up, we'll 
need to address the weapon inequity 
between the East and the West. I pro¬ 
pose a shinny-hockey-inspired distri¬ 
bution of guns, missiles, bombs, and 
the like: all the weapons will go in 
the middle, then a trustworthy neutral 
friend will kneel on the ground with 
their eyes closed, and loss the liard- 
ware to each side. 


After this is done and everyone's sat¬ 
isfied. well use our buddy's cell phone 
to conveniently call our friend who 
happens to be really good at space wars 
and unfairly claim him for our side 
This secret commando will of course 
be James Earl Jones. With the voice 
of Darth Vader on your side you can 
never lose 

Sure, the East will claim that this 


isn't fair, that we liave more guys than 
them, no ringers allowed, cheaters 
never win, ere. But we'll plug our ears 
and make crying noises until they shut 
up. Then, when they're not looking, 
we'll stan early and blow the shit out 
of them with our space nukes. That'U 
teach those assholes not to mess with 
the West. Then we can safely explore 
space on our own at a leisurly pace. 




L laliowe-e-n V tslnhUtors 

Southside - 9917 Whyte Ave we-nso 
Northside -14519-112 St. 473 2377 (open lOam-IOpm) 


M1WI4HT 




OCT 24-30 

open till Midnight 


Costumes/Wigs 


November 2-3, 2007 


Choreography by Kirk Peterson 


Northern Alberta Jubilee Auditorium 


Premier Costumes 
at 


Featuring music by Jeiry Goldsmith performed by the Edmonton Symphony Orchestra 


Student Rush Tickets $17 


aow^n 


(available 1 hour before the performance! 


nekeri -ffl- 


NBRIDGE 


<g>"«3sr T e«OBtwi ck a