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THE GATEWAY • volume 0 number 21 


TV is getting too good lately 

I f you’re like me. you're probably hopelessly 
addicted to at least one or two TV shows. 
And if you are me. you’re probably hope¬ 
lessly addicted to 17 TV shows and are on the 
verge of failing every course this semester and 
probably a few in the winter term as well. 

As much as I’d like to blame others for my 
misfortune, 1 guess I can only really blame 
myself. I am the one that watches them, after 
all. But how am I supposed to resist the temp¬ 
tation of all these great programs when you 
people won't stop talking about them? In all 
seriousness, I’m afraid of what might happen 
to my life if I start watching Glee, that singing 
and dancing bombshell. It combines three of 
my favourite things: High School Musical, Jane 
Lynch, and copious amounts of Jazz hands. 

And this is to say nothing of the oft-talked 
about Lose It’s bad enough that I have to watch 
a new episode every week for some shows, but 
now I have to meticulously study an archive's 
worth of them? That's like TV show homework! 

I can barely manage to watch six episodes of 
Pride and Prejudice to avoid having to read a 
book, and now you want me to examine 103 
episodes for my own enjoyment? Excuse me 
it 1 don't really care to know what that cloud 
monster is supposed to be. or if a sequence of 
numbers which add up to 108 has any satisfy¬ 
ing payoff for attentive viewers. I’ll be over here 
watching Two and a Half Men. 

And tliese are just shows that I don’t watch. I 
practically tell time by how long it is until the 
next episode of The Office. Spoiler alert: jim 
and Pam are so married now, guys! They're, 

like, the cutest couple ever, and that Dwight 
character never ceases to infect me with the 
HINI version of laughter. Is it possible to giggle 
oneself into a coma? 1 hope not, because that 
would be sad. Although, it would make for a 
good TV drama. I'd tune in. 

Most people also like reality shows, but I’m 
happy to say I don't. I mean. I already live in 
reality, and most the time it's just me sitting in 
my beanbag chair, crawling into my Snuggie. 
cracking open a warm Mountain Dew, and 
watching 14 episodes of Home Improvement 
on a whim. Who wants to watch real people do 
things when in Beasries, I can watch dinosaurs 
transform into robots and sIkxh lasers at each 
other’ Let's see Heidi Montag do that. Seriously, 
let’s force her to do that. That would be awe¬ 

How am I supposed to resist 
die temptation of all diese 
great programs when you 
people won’t stop talking 
about them? 

So as it stands, television producers are con¬ 
spiring to ruin my life, and there’s nothing I can 
do to stop them. How can I say no to sassy one- 
liners and brooding sexual tensions between 
teens who are just trying to learn how to make 
it on their own? Willi that one sentence. 1 just 
described four completely different shows that 
I watch on a regular basis. Obviously I can't 
continue to do this —- I'll be dead before the 
mid-season break. But I can't just destroy my 
TV: the shock of not knowing what happens on 
the next episode of Heroes might kill me — not 
that it matters. It might just be all a dream, or a 
cover up by the CIA. or maybe my secret twin 
brother died in my place. Too bad I'll have to 
wait till next Thursday to find out. 

Gay Tony adds personality to GTA 


Grand Theft Auto: 

The Ballad of Gay Tony 

Published by Rockstar Games 
Developed by Rockstar North 


Arts & Entertainment Staff 

Perhaps the best news about the most recent 
piece of downloadable content for Grand 
Theft Auto IV. the aptly named The Ballad of 
Gay Tony, is that a certain Serbian slob won’t 
be calling you every five minutes to go see 
some "big fat American tit-tees.” Gay Tony 
provides some much-needed flair, and from 
the bright rainbow-coloured title screen to 
the badly overdressed and over-dramatic 
characters, to the purple sparkling loading 
text, this most recent foray into Liberty City 
has something sorely lacking from previous 
outings: character. 

Bidding good riddance to Niko, Roman, and 
most of the other characters from the previ¬ 
ous game and its first downloadable chapter. 
The Lost and the Damned. The Ballad of Gay 
Tony puts you in the shoes of Luis Lopez, last 
seen getting held up in the bank robbery in 
the initial game. You interact and do jobs for 
his titular boss and his cadre of friends and 

By the end of it. you'll meet some friends, 
make some enemies, hit some golf balls (into 
people), skydive, and drive an armoured behe¬ 
moth through downtown] Liberty City. And, if 
you’re the average GTA IV player, you'll find 
time to have some sex with hookers, and go on 
more than a few orgies of violence. It's more 
of the same great fun that the series typically 
provides, but with a couple of twists. 

It's not so much what's in The Ballad of Gay 

Tony that makes it successful, as much as what 
isn’t, in the original game, there was a caval¬ 
cade of useless time-wasters, and none more 
evident than your seriously needy and dingy 
"friends." Providing help in a gunfight here, or 
some money or useful utilities there, the origi¬ 
nal had you hopping from bar to strip chib to 
drug run to satisfy' your friends’ desires, for 
every mission there was a zillion requests to 
go play darts or masturbate or whatever. It was 
enough to drive a Serb crazy. God help you il 
you were trying to date a fine-looking lady at 
the same time. 

A majority of those distractions have been 
removed, and it's to live game's benefit. 
Girlfriends are replaced with “booty calls." 
your plethora of acquaintances are replaced 
with only a few much less pushy counterparts, 
and the missions themselves feel tighter and 
more focused. The story sees business partners 
Gay Tony and Lopez, try to pay off their debts to 
the mob, as well as make a little profit on the 
side managing Tony’s two clubs. 

The personality is very evident from the 
get-go, with characters like Tony’s coke-mad 
boyfriend Evan, and Mori — older brother of 
fan-favorite Britcie — taking centre stage. It 
comes across as very much larger-than-life, and 
it really works. Vice City used a similar method 
to almost universal acclaim and it's obvious that 
it really works here. 

At the end of the day, GTA IV wasn't broken; 
it was just very misdirected. The serious, 
almost depressing story of Niko Bellic clashed 
with the roots of the series as an open sandbox 
game, and il almost felt too dire and serious 
for its own good. The Ballad of Gay Tony takes 
away all of the depressing trappings of the first 
game and replaces them with glitz, glamour, 
and nightlife. If you enjoyed your previous 
trips to Liberty City, go ahead and hang out 
with Gay Tony and Luis, but there isn’t any¬ 
thing new or groundbreaking here besides the 

Centre for the Arts and Communications 


zszzz****, o 

MacEwan | School ol 
Communicirt io rta 

Department of Oncology Graduate Program 


Friday, November 20, 2009,1:00-4:00 p.m. 

Atrium - Katz Group-Rexall Centre for Pharmacy & Health Research Building 
(corner of 87th Avenue and 114th Street (West Entrance-Main Floor)) 

Interested in GRAD SCHOOL? 


• Biology • Biochemistry • Cell Biology • Genetics ■ Immunology • Physiology • 

• Pharmacology ■ Physics • Engineering Physics • Physical Sciences/Engineering • 

■ Medicine, Educational Psychology • Economics ■ Human Nutrition • 

Have you ever thought of doing graduate studies in cancer research? 

The Department of Oncology, located at the Cross Cancer Institute 
is hosting an Open House for all undergraduate students interested in 
pursuing graduate studies in cancer research at the University of Alberta. 

Come and meet prospective supervisors and graduate students doing cancer research. 

Department of Oncology 

f*c>aTYOf Merer m & Drvronrr 
Iximim or Amt ha 

For more information about the graduate program, 
contact Cathy Walsh at gradinfo.oncology^ 
or call (780) 577-8083