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THE GATEWAY • volume Cl number 43 


OPIMOIN 5 


Let’s be honest: Parliament is 
populated by whiny children 


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W e jusi made it through 
the labyrinthine Students' 
Union elections. Tor 
the majority of you, it was a gruel¬ 
ing month of ignoring the posters, 
hoping that it would eventually make 
them go away — and now we're 
expected to pay attention to another 
federal election. 

Wliat makes this one particularly 
difficult is that once you start follow¬ 
ing federal politics, it gets harder and 
harder to figure out if you’re watching 
grown men and women fighting on a 
national stage for the chance to repre¬ 
sent you or if you're watching a collec¬ 
tion of children arguing over whose 
turn it is to play on the swings. 

Let's start simple. If you see a couple 
of people in a heated argument, utter¬ 
ing things such as. "no, you're it," 
"nuh-uh," and "yuh-huh," then you're 
dealing with children. If, however, 
they are arguing about who caused 
an election — with Harper saying 
“the opposition forced it," before 
IgnatielT retorts with, “no. it was the 
Conservative party," which Harper 
rebuts with, "the left is conspiring 
to form a coalition." prior to Layton 
adding, "the right is in contempt of 


Parliament.” until Duceppe finally 
finishes with, "I hate you all anyway. 
I don't want to play with you any¬ 
more!" — then, humble voter, you're 
dealing with politicians. 

Arguing isn't the only time when 
the line between legislators and tod¬ 
dlers is blurred. There are other 
subtle behaviours to watch out for. If 
you have someone crying on demand 
to elicit sympathy from those around 
it to manipulate them into doing 
what it wants, then you have a child. 
Don't give it the cookie — it will only 
encourage it. 

If you have someone 
crying on demand 
to elicit sympathy 
from those around it 
[„.] then you have a 
child. Don't give it the 
cookie — it will only 
encourage it. 


But if you see someone plead¬ 
ing with you to get elected, making 
promise after promise, saying they'll 
do anything it takes if you’ll just give 
them your vote — and don’t let the 
other kids get any because they’ll 
ruin everything — then it’s a politi¬ 
cian. it's not easy to distinguish the 
difference, I know. 

Throwing a tantrum when you don’t 
get what you want is pretty standard for 


a child. They really wanted that thing, 
and they think tliey're the only person 
in the world who deserves whatever it 
is they're whining about. So it's under¬ 
standable that they'd be pretty upset, 
even angry, when they're denied it. But 
it a politician doesn't get what he or she 
wants in Parliament, hell do the exact 
same thing. Yelling is common, fol¬ 
lowed by finger pointing, ami tlie only 
thing preventing an all out brawl is that 
they’re usually disproportionately old 
white men, and they wouldn’t want to 
break a hip. 

Finally, we sliould look at what hap¬ 
pens when somebody does get all the 
power. On the playground, the alpha 
dog rules with an iron fist, keeping 
his subordinates in line with rewards 
of candy anti the rights to beat up the 
new kid, while ostracizing whoever 
dares defy him. In politics, it's basically 
the same. When a politician ascends 
to power, they’ll settle in, put all their 
friends in important cabinet positions, 
and then run attack ads against the 
opposition, preventing any chance of 
working together coliegially. 

The critical thing to remember 
here Ls that with children, they don't 
know any bener. They haven’t yet 
been alive long enough to properly 
understand the various social norms 
governing behaviour when around 
others, so we can excuse their mis¬ 
takes. Most of us acted the same way 
when we were kids, but eventually, 
we grew up and learned how to play 
nice. 

Tliose who didn't went into politics. 


Yes. tne 1RT st;cs srci like piss. But 
tney'-e a so an exeunt egwoheout. 
Gateway Ifyouaregoingtopubfishartides 
about metres, you snoud De aware ol now 
current they are. Tne only -e levant one was 

trolltace.jpg _ 

Wrry ; s the-e only one cotfee shop on 
campus that sells colfee that doesn 1 taste 
<e t was oe-<ed out ol someone’s ass? 
Msg try Simon Mews Editor Check 
lifcealittie. Someone horn EDC - P ett you 
a super sweet message a tew days ago 
to the gins v/no seep ta king aoout the poy 
In tne 3-own acxet ; n anthro 101. we know 
wno you are. 

Singie-dad Banana ended in such a trage 
way i" De needing a psychiatrist 
I haven’t been to Sell since septembe- 
To guy from ast week hana do ng Kegel's 
n class, nice, I try to do tnem more often 
put I never can get nto the haoit Anyway. I 
iwsh your penis good fortune and inng ,ife 
W'nter snows avast! 

Edmonton awaits nice shoes: 

Aias! Fucking puddles. ( 

To K.C Pastrami. 

Dear Healtnweek Organizers: Put the DDR 
tournament atte- 5 on potn days, and tne 

GOOD n aye-s will snow up. _ 

why anal you ask? to help with 'small dek 
syndrome' — a smaller ho-etor little willy 
Tothegiri that asked about guys obsess bn 
with ana’ I nave five wo-ds tor you "In the 

butt no babies!* _ 

For those inte-ested in joining the ... ot A5 
official Handsome Men's Club (Local 646) 
we meet every Friday 530pm at RATT py 

thetoozbail tapie. _ 

My cat's starting to look more and more 
abpeai ngtomeeacbday-ltsscarir^ me. I 
need a boyfriend pronto! 

To tne ohn Doe we met in Cameron t's 
a shame we couldn't keep in touch. -The 
Mo-tn African girls_ 


I w'sh I'd have neen given a university 
Duc-ret fist when I started first year. Like tree 
concerts every Monday n Convocation 

Halil _ 

'P-easePlayAgain’-themost disappointing 

pn-ase n the engllsh language. _ 

Oh suit I forgot to get d-pyin on Friday 
Students should protest the poor 
coordination ot tne Organic chemistry labs 
Dear classmate sitting in front ot me in 
my 9 3O11.00AM class on Tuesdays and 
Thursdays. Please take a goddamn showe' 
atte- tennis or at east use deodorants. You 
smell like a rotten onto® 

Too much B.O. U of A students need to take 
showers more often. Gag! 

A course that should he required for all 
incoming students is proper hall walking 
etiquette. 

P'ease stop spitting indoors! I've seen this 
in tne Ruth L stairways and In the gallery. 
Spitting outside is gross too. hut at eastthe 
rain washes ; t away. 

There needs to be a day otl in late March 
for everyone to get their shit together. I'm 
so tar behind and haven't registered tor 

classes ( _ 

Dear shouide- slamming pansy in hub. Try 
me see what happens 
Dear king shit right way walking douche 
bag wno waits to shoulder check me in 
hub-touch me and my knee connects 
with your Pahs ;). Don’t have balls? Well 
Improvise ;> 

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