Skip to main content

Full text of "The Gateway (2011-03-31)"

See other formats



CELEBRATING 


"A moment 
of quiet 
desperation" 

The Gateway discusses 
the issue of suicide 
among young adults in 
the final installment of 
our mental health series. 

FEATURE, PAGES 16-17 


Smartphone 
text harder to 
comprehend 

MATT MEUSE 

News Writer 

Reading comprehension from a smart¬ 
phone screen is as low as half of that 
when reading from a standard desktop 
monitor, according to a recent study by 
a University of Alberta research team. 

James Miller, professor of electri¬ 
cal and computer engineering and a 
member of the team that conducted 
the study, said that quirks inher¬ 
ent to smartphones and how people 
read from them means that mobile 
content providers need to develop 
smartphone-specific versions of their 
material if they want to have it prop¬ 
erly understood by users. 

“People tend to read better on 
[paper] than on [desktop computers], 
and when you just drop down again, 
you’re making much more visual 
demands,” Miller said. 

The study focused specifically on 
privacy policies used by websites such 
as Facebook and Google. Using a Cloze 
test — a standard test of comprehen¬ 
sion that omits words from a document 
at regular intervals and asks subjects 
to reinsert the correct word — Miller 
and his team found that comprehen¬ 
sion of a privacy policy when read on 
an iPhone-sized screen was rated at 48 
percent when compare to the same 
policy read on a desktop monitor. 

PLEASE SEE IPHONE ♦ PAGE3 


Complex 

theatrical 

creations 

U of A Studio Theatre 
takes a closer look into 
the enigmatic work of 
Gertrude Stein. 

A&E, PAGE 20 


In February, IBM’s “Watson” super¬ 
computer defeated two Jeopardy! 
champions. On Monday, Watson 
researcher James Fan explained to a U 
of A audience exactly how they man¬ 
aged to do it. 

The idea for the project came from 
an IBM executive, who had to con¬ 
vince a team of researchers to take on 
the huge task. In 2007, the original QA 
machine fell well below the perfor¬ 
mance of a typical Jeopardy! winner. 

“What computers find hard is 
natural language. Jeopardy! is in 
this domain, and gives us a chal¬ 
lenge. It helps us to produce a cal¬ 
culable, novel way to measure the 
drive in technology, to measure the 
progress,” Fan said. 

Watson is built with a knowledge 
database of 200 million pages of 
raw text, but a basic keyword search 
cannot cope with the complex seman¬ 
tics in a Jeopardy! clue. Watson instead 
uses several algorithms for many types 
of evidence, such as temporal reason¬ 
ing, statistical paraphrasing, and geo¬ 
spatial reasoning. 

The hundreds of gigabytes of data 
that comprise the knowledge set and 
algorithms are all stored within 2,880 


computer cores, which allows Watson 
to compute a series of likely answers in 
two to six seconds, rather than in the 
two hours it would take with a single 
2.6 gigahertz core. 

Each “candidate answer” is given a 
confidence, and if this figure is above 
a pre-determined threshold, Watson 
will ring in and give an answer in the 
game show. The threshold changes 
throughout the game — if Watson has 
a big lead, the threshold will be high to 
minimize risk; if he’s lagging behind, 


Musical mysteries 

The Gatewaytalks to 
Mother Mother’s Ryan 
Guldemond about the 
unexpected meaning he’s 
found in the band’s lyrics. 

A&E, PAGE 19 


MEWHORT 

2-15. 


A QUIET SUBTLETY A man in Indonesia makes cloth prints in one of the winning entries in The Gateway Literary Contest. To see the others, check pages 


HAYLEY DUNNING 

News Staff 


SUPPLIED 

Watson will live more dangerously. 

While some human strategy is 
built into Watson, he does have some 
disadvantages compared to his fleshy 
competitors. 

“We can hear Watson speaking [...] 
but Watson cannot hear other play¬ 
ers’ answers. If another player gets 
the right answer, Jeopardy! sends the 
answer back to Watson. But if a player 
gets the wrong answer, Watson has no 
idea what it was,” Fan explained. 

PLEASE SEE WATSON ♦ PAGE 5 


20 1 


volume Cl number 44 ♦ the official student newspaper at the university of alberta ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca ♦ thursday, march 31, 2011 




inside 


IBM researcher shows off 
Watson s complex innards 




























































2 news 


thursday, march 31,2011 ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca 


THE GATEWAY 


www.thegatewayonline.ca 


thursday, march 31,2011 

volume Cl number 44 

Published since november21,1910 
Circulation 7,000 
ISSN 0845-356X 

Suite 3-04 

Students'Union Building 
University of Alberta 
Edmonton, Alberta 
T6G 2J7 

Telephone 780.492.5168 
Fax 780.492.6665 
Ad Inquiries 780.492.6700 
Email gateway@gateway. ua I berta .ca 

editorial 

editor-in-chief Jonn Kmech 

eic@gatevvay.ua I berta. ca 1492.5168 

MANAGING EDITOR Justin Bell 

managing@gateway.ualberta.ca 1492.6654 

senior news editor Alexandria Eldridge 

news@gateway.uaIberta.ca 1492.7308 

deputy news editor Simon Yackulic 

deputynews@gateway.uaIberta.ca 1492.6664 

opinion editor AlixKemp 

opinion@gateway.ualberta.ca 1492.6661 

arts & entertainment editor Madeline Smith 

entertainment@gateway.ualberta.ca 1492.7052 

SPORTS EDITOR Matt Hirji 

sports@gateway.ualberta.ca 1492.6652 

photo editor Dan McKechnie 

photo@gateway.uaIberta.ca 1492.6648 

design & production editor Lance Mudryk 

production@gateway.ualberta.ca 1492.6663 

onuneeditor Jordan Ching 

online@gateway.uaIberta.ca 1248.1509 

businessstaff 

business manager Ashleigh Brown 

biz@gateway.ualberta.ca 1492.6669 

ad sales manager Vikram Seth 

sales@gateway.ualberta.ca 1492.6700 

ad/graphic designer Vikki Wiercinski 

design@gateway.ua Iberta.ca 1492.6647 

circulation pal Nick Frost 
circulation pal Kathryn Dutchak 

circulation@gateway.ualberta.ca 



THE GATEWAY is published by the 
Gateway Student Journalism Society 
(GSJS), a student-run, autonomous, 
apolitical not-for-profit organization, 
operated in accordance with the 
Societies Act of Alberta. 


THE GATEWAY is proud to 
be a founding member of the 
Canadian University Press. 



complaints 

Comments, concerns, or complaints about the 
Gateway's content or operations should be first sent to 
the Editor-in-Chief at the address above. If the Editor-in- 
Chief is unable to resolve a complaint, it may be taken 
to the Gateway Student Journalism Society's Board of 
Directors; beyond that, appeal is to the non-partisan 
Society OmbudsBoard. The chairs of the Board of 
Directors and the OmbudsBoard can be reached at the 
address above. 

copyright 

All materials appearing in the Gateway bear copyright 
of their creator(s) and may not be used without written 
consent. 

disclaimers 

Opinions expressed in the pages of the Gafewayare 
expressly those of the author and do not necessarily 
reflect those of the Gatewayor the Gateway Student 
Journalism Society. 

Additionally, the opinions expressed in advertisements 
appearing in the Gafewayare those of the advertisers 
and not the Gateway nor the Gateway Student 
Journalism Society unless explicitly stated. 

The Gateway periodically adjusts its circulation between 
7,000 to 10,000 printed copies based on market 
fluctuations and other determining factors. 

colophon 

The Gateway is created using Macintosh computers, HP 
Scanjet flatbed scanners, and a Nikon Super Cool Scan 
optical film scanner. Adobe InDesign is used for layout. 
Adobe Illustrator is used for vector images, while Adobe 
Photoshop is used for raster images. Adobe Acrobat 
is used to create PDF files which are burned directly to 
plates to be mounted on the printing press. Text is set in 
a variety of sizes, styles, and weights of FEIMICE, Joanna, 
Kepler and Whitney. The Manitoban is the Gateway's 
sister paper, and we love her dearly, though "not in that 
way.” The Gateway's songs of choice are Wiz Khalifa's 
"No Sleep” and the Flaming Lips and Neon Indian's "Is 
David Bowie Dying?”. 

contributors 

Aaron Yeo, Siwei Chen, Matt Meuse, Alex Migdal, Evan 
Daum, Andrew Jeffrey, Rachel Singer, Kaitlyn Menard, 
Hayley Dunning, Dulgunn Bayasgalan, Peter Holmes, 
Ryan Bromsgrove, Darcy Rope ha n, Paul Swanson, Ross 
Vincent, Carole Yue, Lauren Alston, Ross Lockwood, Max 
Lutz, Armand Ludick, Amir Ali Shirafi, Anthony Goertz 
Skybox by Dan McKechnie 



You remember SUBSpaee? That you did? And then I killed? 


ZachFentiman 

Vice President (Operations and Finance) 

—On Steven Dollansky's term as Vice President (Operations and Finance) 


COUNCIL 

FORUM 

Written by Siwei Chen 

Students' Council meets every second 
Tuesday in the Council Chambers in 
University Hall at 6 p.m. Council meet¬ 
ings are open to ail students. The next 
meeting on Tuesday; April 5, will be the 
last for the current council members, and 
free food will be provided. 

At the last meeting, the culinary 
artistes at L'Express provided a scrump¬ 
tious spread of both vegetarian and 
meat-filled chili, with scones and salad 
on the side. So if you're at all interested 
in student politics, swing by, fill your 
belly, and get your democracy on. 

BALANCED TO UNDER A DOLLAR 

Students' Union Vice President 
(Operationsand Finance) Zach Fentiman 
gave council a presentation on the final 
numbers of the 2011/2012 SU budget, 
After reviewing a number of changes 
from the budgetary adjustments, 
Fentiman explained general revenue 
trends over time. The motion to pass the 
budget as presented passed, with little 
debate on the plan. 

REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE... 
REDEVELOP 

The Environment Coordination Office of 
Students (ECOS) spoke to council on a 
number of changes they planned for the 
upcoming year, including a new name. 
They plan on redeveloping their three 
pillars of sustainability to alleviate some 


inconsistencies, and ECOS' develop¬ 
ment and achievements since its incep¬ 
tion in 2003 has prompted the office to 
refocus their mandate. Although ECOS 
had contacted Augustana, this redevel¬ 
opment plan will currently focus only on 
North Campus as their resources are 
spread thin. The Students' Union execu¬ 
tive will be voting on the changes in the 
next week or two. 

FUNDING UNDERGRADUATE 
RESEARCH 

When Vice President (Academic) James 
Eastham's presented his Executive 
Committee report, it indicated that the 
university has budgeted $200,000 for 
undergraduate research for the next 
academic year. 

QUESTION PERIOD 

A question was put to Vice President 
(Student Life) Rory Tighe concerning 
the number of faculty associations that 
had gotten back to him regarding micro- 
wave supply and placement on campus. 
Only two have responded, and Tighe 
hopes to get feedback at the end of next 
week after another email, 

Tighe also answered a question con¬ 
cerning Week of Welcome volunteering 
since nothing had been sent out updat¬ 
ing students on their applications. Tighe 
said the deadline had been extended a 
number of times in order to receive more 
applications. For facilitators, all of the 
interviews will occur at the same time. 

Vice President (External) Aden 
Murphy fielded a question concern¬ 
ing the imminent federal elections and 
what the SU and the Canadian Alliance 
of Student Associations (CASA) have 


planned. Murphy said that because of 
the upcoming federal election, some of 
their plans will not pan out. One such 
idea was the use of a text message 
database where students would receive 
election messages on their phones. 
For now, Murphy hopes to hold events 
on campus, such as an all-candidates 
forum. They're looking to hopefully host 
the candidates in the next couple of 
weeks. Advance polling dates have been 
set for April 22, 23, and 25. President 
Nick Dehod added that the challenge of 
reaching students in the midst of final 
exams will hopefully be best mitigated 
by using social media. 

The Faculty of Science is down to two 
faculty advisors, leading to lengthy wait 
times during drop-in hours, and sched¬ 
ules booked weeks in advance. A question 
to find a solution was posed to Eastham, 
who acknowledged the continuing lack 
of advisory staff in the Faculty of Science. 
The university is looking into solutions, 
but most changes will not be felt in the 
short term. Eastham regrets that there is 
really no simple solution. 

HEALTH AND DENTAL PLAN CAP 

Council voted to approve the new 
Health and Dental Plan fees, under the 
conditions that the Health portion will 
not exceed $105.99, the Dental Plan 
portion will not exceed $107.34, ensur¬ 
ing that the total annual cost will not 
exceed $213.33. 

FINANCIAL FAIRNESS 

Council passed Bill 52, a political policy 
on student loans, after amending that 
parental contributions be removed as 
a factor in evaluating financial need, 


a point that was previously deleted. 
Council members did not believe that 
making parental contributions manda¬ 
tory allowed all students equal oppor¬ 
tunity to student loans, especially since 
most students would lack control over 
their familial situations. 

PUBLICLY POSTED 

Bill 41 passed in the first reading, stating 
that minutes of executive, board of direc¬ 
tors, council, and general meetings will 
be made public. Council was specific in 
requiring that minutes be posted rather 
than simply available upon request. 

ELECTION MONEY FIX 

Bill 43 concerning the standardization 
of penalties for election candidates fail¬ 
ing to submit expense forms was moved 
through council, Although some were 
worried about the breadth of this topic 
in allowing the Chief Returning Officer 
to decide on specific penalties, council 
ultimately found that this bill included too 
many unnecessary regulations, and the 
motion did not pass. 

PRACTICALLY SPEAKING 

Council decided to abolish the exis¬ 
tence of slates in elections by passing 
Bill 44 in the first reading; however, the 
endorsement of other candidates will be 
permitted as long as there is no sharing 
of resources or finances. That means 
that candidates will be able to use simi¬ 
lar colours on posters and recommend 
that students vote for others running 
for election, but candidates will not be 
able to label their posters with a unify¬ 
ing name, share financial resources, or 
campaign at the same table. 


you may be aware, the CBC has a web app called the Vote Compass that tells you how to vote. 

31 KCCI CIO Do you think it r s a good idea, and why or why not? 

Compiled and photographed by 
Aaron Yeo and Matt Hirji 



Ryan McDonald 

Phys Ed III 



Carly Perreaux 

Phys Ed IV 



Steve Lesniak 

Arts Alumni 



Colten 

Yamagishi 

Business III 


I guess they've realized that our genera¬ 
tion is so into apps and technology and 
stuff, that it's probably the best way to 
get our attention. 


I don't think anyone should tell you who 
to vote for. It should be your own opinion, 
not a computer program. 


I think the questions are really badly 
crafted. For example, my position on 
the abolition of the Senate doesn't have 
anything to do with my social liberalism. 
It told me to vote liberal, but it put me in a 
weird quadrant, 


It probably gives students a better idea 
than they have right now; I know a lot of 
my friends don't have a political orienta¬ 
tion. I think it's a good start to get people 
involved. As long as they actually read up 
and find out what the parties are about, 


1 


X 


i 

i 


i 


A federal election is yet again underway. But with students leaving for 
summer vacation before the May 2 vote, how will it affect the 
Edmonton-Strathcona riding that so many of us call home? 


Check out The Gateway next Thursday for a look at the 
federal riding that surrounds the University of Alberta. 


***££ 



k 


THE GATEWAY 

* Fearing and loathing the campaign 

trail since 1910 









*•*•*104^.- 

1 — 

1 

L J 





— -- 





University 
of Alberta 





[air nnifl sicwiiYiiiqqiihr ouq h[ 6 o:sre>z o:sj 




o 





AARONYEO 


Council tackles low attendance 


SIMON YACKULIC 

Deputy News Editor 

Students’ Council moved to deal 
with absenteeism among councillors, 
tackling what Board of Governors 
Representative Craig Turner called “a 
serious attendance problem at council.” 

In a year when multiple council¬ 
lors have neglected to attend even half 
of council meetings, council passed a 
motion amending standing orders to 
indicate that, should a councillor be 
absent for more than three meetings a 
semester, their faculty or campus asso¬ 
ciation will be notified. Law council¬ 
lor Leslie Stitt introduced the motion, 
explaining that he hoped it would 
increase attendance. 

“ What would most likely take place 
under this is Students’ Council would 
inform the faculty association, and the 
faculty association would use good 
old-fashioned methods of shame to 
make people come to council,” Stitt 
said. “It is worded in such a way that 
we would not be able to remove coun¬ 
cillors, as I do not think that we have a 
right to do that.” 

According to Stitt, council has been 
throwing around the idea of address¬ 
ing apathy for a few years, though 
nothing had come of it until now. 


He argued that this might not be the 
best solution, but it’s better than the 
past approach, which Stitt described as 
“doing absolutely nothing.” 

“It’s good to send a message to stu¬ 
dents that we actually are doing some¬ 
thing about this, and we’re not just 
ignoring an issue. We shouldn’t be 
accountable to a faculty association, 
but we should be accountable to stu¬ 
dents within that faculty,” Stitt said. 

“This is something that will mostly 
benefit smaller faculty associations that 
have one representative, such as medi¬ 
cine, law, [or] native studies. Medicine 
hasn’t had any representation here for 
four months. Native studies has had 
very spotty representation. This is 
something that should be addressed. 
These faculties deserve to be repre¬ 
sented on this council and [students] 
should know when they aren’t.” 

The Gateway tried to reach the coun¬ 
cillors for medicine and native studies 
but were unable to get comment by 
press time. 

While most councillors present at 
the meeting seemed to agree that poor 
attendance was a problem, there was 
disagreement on what method was 
best to combat it. Some members of 
the executive opposed to the motion. 

Vice President (Operations and 


Finance) Zach Fentiman noted that 
there are some faculty associations that 
are chaired by their faculty’s council¬ 
lor, which he noted could be the same 
undergraduate that is missing council 
meetings. Vice President (Student Life) 
Rory Tighe said that he understood the 
“shaming” point of the motion, but 
felt that there were other, more effec¬ 
tive ways of addressing the issue. 

Vice President (Academic) James 
Eastham deals with faculty associa¬ 
tions as part of the Academic portfo¬ 
lio, and said that he was apprehensive 
about the motion because of how 
“functional” some faculty associations 
are. Instead, he suggested making it 
easier for undergraduates to find out 
what their representatives are doing. 

“Some faculty associations are 
perhaps less functional than even 
Students’ Council, so it is perhaps 
not necessarily going to accomplish 
the goals that the councillor wants,” 
Eastham explained. 

“Perhaps there’d be a different way 
to post attendance instead of having it 
buried in minutes, like having it more 
prominently displayed on the Students’ 
Union website or something else.” 

Despite some expressed opposition, 
the motion still passed with most of 
council in favour. 


U of A study examined reading of privacy 
policies on smartphones and desktops 


IPHONE ♦ CONTINUED FROM PAG El 

Privacy policies are often problem¬ 
atic in their construction to begin 
with. According to Jakob Nielsen, 
a researcher in web usability, as of 
March 2011, Facebook’s privacy policy 
is rated at a 13th grade reading level, 
meaning that people with less than a 
year of university experience already 
find it difficult to understand. 

“As far we can tell, privacy policies 
are, as a protection mechanism for 
people who are using the internet on 
smartphones [...] basically completely 
useless. They are completely unread¬ 
able,” Miller said. “In reality, the user 
will be getting no real information 
when they enter details. They will 
have no idea what’s really going to 
happen to them.” 

These results, combined with the 
rapid increase in popularity of smart¬ 
phones, suggested to Miller and his 
team that a complete revolution in 
writing styles is needed to balance 
deficits in understanding. However, 
this is a slow process. According to 
Miller, we are only just starting to see 
the emergence of a unique “online” 
style of writing that is recogniz¬ 
ably different from writing for print 
documents. 



“All of the international newspapers 
are there now, but if you look at many 
sites on the internet, people are still 
just copying paper,” he said. “That’s 
not going to work on a web browser, 
and it’s certainly not going to work on 
a smartphone.” 

What this new style would look like 
is not entirely clear, but it is some¬ 
thing that Miller and his team hope to 
discover through further research. 

“What we’ve been doing recently 
is trying to characterize what the 


PHOTO ILLUSTRATION: DAN MCKECHNIE 

differences are between the text that 
you see on your printed version of 
a newspaper and the text that you 
would see on a version of a newspaper 
viewed in a browser,” he said. 

“We’re trying to look at and char¬ 
acterize how the writing style in the 
newspaper changes between the two 
media, and whether there is then some 
way to extrapolate further down onto 
smaller devices or whether in reality 
it needs a complete shift in thought to 
accommodate them.” 



W 


SUNDAY NIGHTS 




i i 'i 


bulk barn* 


rj T |TJ 


every Wednesday on all regular priced products 


Premium Quality 
Great Value 
Guaranteed Freshness 

Candy and Chocolate 

• Over 200 types of assorted candies, gummies, 

sugarless sweets and chocolates 

Parties 

• Over 50 types of nuts, fruit & nut mixes and trail mixes 

• A wide selection of pretzels, corn snacks, 

Bits & Bites, cheese snacks and party mixes 

• Coffee, tea and assorted drink crystals 

Meal Ideas 

• Regular, whole wheat, rice and organic pastas 

• Regular and specialty soup bases, beans and cereals 

• Rice - short or long grain, basmati, white 

or brown, parboiled, wild or instant 

Health and Organic Foods 

• A huge selection of vitamins, minerals, herbal 
and specialty supplements, protein powders 

and packaged health foods & beverages 
• Gluten-free and organic products 

4 Convenient Locations to Serve You... 

Edmonton - 8069 - 104th Street N.W. (780) 438-0065 - only 3km from campus! 
Edmonton -13846 - 40 Street N.W. (780) 456-6787 
Edmonton - 2077 - 98 Street N.W. (780) 461 -4454 
Leduc - 5310 Discovery Way (780) 980-0816 


SAVE 

$ 3.00 


ON YOUR TOTAL PURCHASE OF $10.00 
OR MORE BEFORE TAXES* 


Coupon effective until 

Thursday, April 7, 2011 


VnJiU W Limit one C0U P° n per store visit. 
p THIS OFFER EXCLUDES THE PURCHASE OF GIFT CARDS. 

■ *AII applicable taxes shall be payable on the full value of the merchandise. While supplies last. 

We reserve the right to limit quantities. Coupon cannot be used in conjunction with the 10% Seniors’ 

& Students’ discount. No mechanical reproductions accepted. 


Check out our website to find store locations & weekly specials, 
search for products, view recipes and much more... 


B^lwMMM.bulkbarn.ca BBH 


* Must provide valid identification. Excludes gift cards. Cannot be used in conjunction with any other 
promotional offer. All references to savings claims are in comparison to our regular retail prices. 
While supplies last. On advertised items, we reserve the right to limit quantities. 







































thursday, march 31,2011 ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca 


NEWS 


Students study life with HIV through art 


AARON YEO 

News Staff 

First-year nursing students chose coloured pen¬ 
cils over scalpels last week in an activity designed 
to teach them about HIV in their community. 

In a session hosted by HIV Edmonton, a local 
support group for those suffering from HIV, 
more than thirty Nursing students spent their 
Friday afternoon tracing outlines of each other 
and expressing their personal stories with a 
variety of markers, pastels, and crayons in a pro¬ 
cess called body mapping. After removing their 
shoes and sitting on the floor, the students were 
encouraged to be freely creative in the body 
mapping activity. 

“There are no barriers. You can’t make a mis¬ 
take in this process,” said Lynn Sutankayo, a U 
of A alumni who led the session. “It’s really just 
fun and play and just going with it, letting your 
guard down. Which I know is different [from] 
university classrooms.” 

On three-by-seven foot pieces of paper, stu¬ 
dents drew several outlines of different people in 
their groups, and then drew symbols that repre¬ 
sented their background. The students were told 
to open up to their peers about what’s important 
to them, and not to hide their past. Short- and 
long-term goals of the students were portrayed 
as well, in an effort to put the entire lives of 
students in an artistic display. 

Sutankayo, community education coordinator 
at HIV Edmonton, said body mapping started out 
in South Africa as an art project to help women 
to live with HIV. It was used as a method to help 
those infected to open up to their communities 
and to live life without fear. 

“There’s a lot of stigma to go along with this 
disease; people don’t like to disclose that they 
have it, and people don’t like to talk about it 
if their friends or family members have been 
affected. For many reasons, AIDS and HIV is 
related to death, drugs, sex; stuff that’s hard to 
talk about.” 






, ' «* Y 



A 

\ 

A 

'1 

'* * i 

t j 

14 







M 


r 

i 

r t 

. ^ jm 

1- d 


- li -A f ] 

w . 


jff 1 

• Wk J 

3 

wj&yy A 


fcu / 


Ml/ 




L ( 

vC 




: k 





A 


k & 


AARONYEO 


THAT AIN'T NO ETCH-A-SKETCH First-year nurses drew body maps in a self-exploration exercise. 


Sutankayo thinks it’s important to get those in 
nursing to understand HIV and to get rid of any 
stereotypes, especially as they will see patients 
infected with the virus on a regular basis. 

“Often as healthcare providers, we feel that 
we’re entitled to know everything about our 
patients’ body, but we have to appreciate how 
much trust is required for a person to feel safe 
enough to disclose their history to us,” said 
Sutankayo. “What we’re here to do is to de-stig- 
matize HIV and people living with HIV.” 

Two HIV Edmonton volunteers with HIV were 
present to help the students with their body 
maps, as well as tell their personal stories of how 
the activity helped them in their struggles. 

One student, Kaitlyn Gorman, didn’t know 


what to expect when she first went into the 
session, and said that it changed the way she 
looked at the ailment. 

“I wasn’t really sure about HIV. I didn’t really 
know a lot about the disease, so I was kind 
of oblivious to it and ignorant to it,” she said. 
“Now I feel like I understand a lot more and 
have gained a lot of knowledge towards it, and 
I’m much more accepting, and have gotten rid 
of all those stereotypes that I did have before.” 

Sutankayo also mentioned that body mapping 
could be used as a tool to help people with all 
sorts of issues or problems in life, not just chronic 
illnesses such as HIV. 

SEE MORE PHOTOS ONLINE IN AN AUDIO SLIDE¬ 
SHOW AT WWW.TH EGATE WAYON LI NE.C A 


CAMPUS 
CRIME BEAT 

Compiled by Aaron Yeo 

BOP IT! 

At 3 p.m. on March 21, a car owner reported that 
their vehicle had been broken into while parked in 
the Education building car park. The thief gained 
access by "punching" the driver's side door lock and 
subsequently stole a speaker. UAPS want to remind 
drivers not to leave valuables in their vehicles in plain 
view and to contact UAPS if they notice any suspi¬ 
cious persons around vehicles. 

THAT r S A REAL NICE (BIKE) RACK 

UAPS officers observed a male loitering around 
a bike rack near the University Terrace building at 
1:30 p.m. on March 22. The male has an extensive 
criminal record including theft and trespassing. He 
was given a new trespass notice and photographed 
before being told to leave campus. 

CRIMINAL CONSIGNMENT 

Staff from the Book Cellar in HUB reported a male 
had stolen two textbooks on March 23 at 2:30 p.m. 
The male had consigned the books and when staff 
did an inventory, they realized the male had taken 
the books. He was described as Caucasian and slim 
with dark hair, wearing a dark baseball cap, navy blue 
hoodie, and blue jeans. UAPS officers checked the 
area but were not able to locate the male. 

GRAND THEFT AUTO III 

At 3:45 a.m. on March 24, UAPS received a call from 
security at the NINT buildingthat a male was at their 
front desk reporting he had just been robbed at gun¬ 
point in Windsor car park. The robber stole the vic¬ 
tim's car and wallet. All UAPS units were dispatched 
to the area and EPS were contacted. EPS advised this 
had been the third such incident that day and asked 
UAPS to be on the lookout for a grey Oldsmobile that 
had been stolen earlier from a casino on Argyll Road. 
The first vehicle had been stolen from the River Cree 
Casino. The stolen Oldsmobile was recovered on the 
top level of Windsor car park. The victim was inter¬ 
viewed by EPS and given a ride home by UAPS. 



LAST CHANCE FOF STUDINTS 
TO SUJITCF] TO UJEBMfllL! 


You must switch your student 1 AM account by April 29,2011 
After that date access to 1 AM will be eliminated. 

All messages sent to 1 AM after April 29 

will be undeliverable. 




SIGN UP NOW FOR YOUR 
NEW STUDENT WEBMAIL ACCOUNT 


It is easy to do. 

Just follow the steps at 
http://studentemail.uwinnipeg.ca 



\ The University of Winnipeg 


204.786.9844 


www.uwmmpeg.ca 







THE GATEWAY ♦ volume Cl number 44 


SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY 5 


Three swipes effective in cleaning plastics 


RACHEL SINGER 

News Staff 

Simply wiping an object three times with some 
salt water can be just as effective at cleaning 
plastic surfaces as using disinfectants, alcohols, 
or bleach, according to a University of Alberta 
researcher. 

Andrea Berendt, a fourth-year medical stu¬ 
dent, along with her supervisor Dr. Sarah Forgie, 
looked at how well different kinds of disinfec¬ 
tant wipes that are used in hospitals or house¬ 
holds can be used to clean bacteria off of plastic 
objects. The wipes from the grocery store were 
bleach-based and the wipes from the hospital 
had different types of disinfectants. They also 
used a tissue with saline, which is water with a 
0.9 per cent sodium chloride concentration. 

The different wipes were then used to clean 
artificially contaminated plastic petri dishes. 
The plates were swiped once, three times, or 
five times. More than 1,000 petri dishes were 
wiped, and the researchers discovered to their 
surprise that the disinfecting wipes didn’t per¬ 
form particularly well. 

“At one swipe, the disinfecting wipes all per¬ 
formed equally well, which wasn’t a big shock 
and the saline on the tissue didn’t do very well. 
But at three swipes, even the saline on the tissue 
did just as well as the disinfecting wipes, which 
was the big surprise,” Forgie said. 

Forgie and Berendt think that these results 
suggest that probably the mechanical action 
of wiping the plastic removes the bulk of the 


bacteria, rather than the type of disinfectant 
used. Therefore, both of them hope this could 
possibly lead to a change in how disinfectants 
are used in the community as well as in the 
hospital. 

“We hope what this means is that the 
mechanical removal of bacteria, the actual rub¬ 
bing, is the more important factor rather than 
the actual disinfectant ingredient. So that might 
mean we could stop using so many disinfec¬ 
tant ingredients which are expensive, which 
are sometimes harmful to the environment, 
and which can cause antimicrobial resistance 
among bacteria [...] and use much more read¬ 
ily available things like saline or perhaps tap 
water,” Berendt said. 

A major issue with disinfectants being used 
in the community is the possibility of bacteria 
becoming resistant to the antimicrobial agents 
that are in many disinfectant products. 

“There is very good data to show that disin¬ 
fectants at home are not necessary and they are 
not helpful. [Researchers have] looked at family 
settings out in the community and having dis¬ 
infectants there is not helpful. It can actually be 
harmful if we get resistance, so that’s a big worry 
with using it in the community,” Forgie said. 

Forgie hopes that the next phase of the project 
will look at actual plastic devices, such as pagers 
and cell phones, which are commonly used in 
the community as well as the hospital. 

Their paper was published at the beginning of 
February in the American Journal of Infection 
Control. 



DANMCKECHNIE 


SQUEAKY CLEAN A U of A study shows that 
the wiping motion could trump disinfectant use. 


Watson shows 
competence in 
puns, medicine 

WATSON ♦ CONTINUED FROM PAGE! 

Watson’s performance also dipped when 
obscure question forms were used, such as 
when the clue was simply the name of an actor, 
with the task to name a film that actor has also 
directed. 

However, just like human contestants, Watson 
can learn about the nature of categories during 
questions with little dollar value, making him 
better prepared for more valuable challenges. 
Watson is also fitted with an algorithm for “pun 
detection” which improves performance, but 
doesn’t always catch a quip. 

Fifty-five games of Jeopardy! were played 
before the television showdown, of which 
Watson won 71 per cent, and came second the 
rest of the time. 

The advances that the DeepQA project has 
made opens the way for a variety of important 
real-life applications, including business intelli¬ 
gence, technical support, and health care. 

“There’s a team of people working on the 
applications for the medical domain. There’s 
a set of questions people wrote in the form of 
Jeopardy! clues on medical issues, for residents 
and interns. We took that set of questions and 
read them directly [and] for medical diagnosis, 
he surprisingly answered quite many questions,” 
Fan said. 



YourIH 

■station 


SSSSSSSS 


KAPTi EPIBIBAZH I 
BOARDING PASS i 


10:02 PM 




uiruner 


NEW EXPERIENCES 
FOR YOUR BIG FUTURE 


C HARTS 


Through hundreds of day, evening and off-campus courses, you can 

• Expedite the completion of your degree 

• Embark upon an international travel and learning adventure 

• Experience a community-based practicum 

• Explore new interests 

• Expand your professional skills 


FOR THE WEEK ENDING MAR 29, 2011 


1. EVE HELL AND THE RAZORS 
WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT 

2. BLOWHOLES - THE BLOWHOLES 

3. LYKKE LI - WOUNDED RHYMES 

4. THE FARRELL BROTHERS - RUMBLE I? THE 0PRY! 

5. MIKE ESSOUDRY'S MASH POTATO MASHERS 
G. MOTHER MOTHER - EUREKA 

7. WYE OAK-CIVILIAN 

8. THEAWESOMEHOTS-THEAWESOMEHOTS 

9. GEOFF BERNER-VICTORY PARTY 

10. ACOUSTIC RAINBOW: BLUEGRASS VOL. 1 

11. AUDIO/ROCKETRY - PILOTING A VEHICLE OF 
AUDIBLE EXPRESSION 

12. KRANG-SPEED OF TENT B/W SPIRIT ANIMAL 

13. MAKE0UT VIDEOTAPE-YING YANG 

14. J. MASCIS - SEVERAL SHADES OF WHY 

15. PETER ELKAS - REPEAT OFFENDER 


www.registrar.ualberta.ca/springsummer 


Register Now 

Classes Begin: 

Spring Term: May 9, 2011 

Summer Term: July 4, 2011 


HEY! CJSR has 
got a newEg^A{ 
iPhone app! 
Download it at 




'mem 



X V / 1 T* 

/ I 






























6 NATIONAL NEWS 


thursday, march 31,2011 ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca 


TEACH ENGLISH OVERSEAS 




March 31 to 
April 9,2011 
at 7:30PM 

Timms Centre for the Arts 
University of Alberta 

Tickets $5 to $20 

available at the 
Timms Box Office 
& TIX on the Square 


V Travel the world with 
Global Tesol 

■S Get TESOL certified in 
five days 

V Study in-class, online or 
by correspondence 

V Overseas job guaranteed 

V Call today for a free 
info package 

FREE SEMINAR every Tuesday at 7pm • 10037B-Whyte Ave 


1-888-270-2941 • globaltesol.com 

YOUR ADVENTURE STARTS HERE! 


WWW.MONSTERPROWRESTLING.COM 


SHOWDOWN 


FEATURING THE MIGHTY MIDGETS 
AND ALL THE STARS OF MPW! 




DOORS OF! 

TICKETS ARE $20 


Uo/A| STUDIO THEATRE 


adapted & directed 
by Beau Coleman 


UNIVERSITY OF ALBERTA 

W DEPARTMENT OF DRAMA 


UNIVERSITY OF ALBERTA 

FACULTY OF ARTS 


ckua 

radlonelwork 


& 


www.studiotheatre.ca 



TANNARAYELLAND 

CUP Prairies & Northern Bureau Chief 


SASKATOON (CUP) — A recent study 
reaffirmed the perception that more 
women are graduating from high 
school and undergraduate programs, 
but the gender divide increases at 
higher levels of academia. 

Despite the fact that women 
account for 58 per cent of Canadian 
undergraduate enrolments and 56 per 
cent of graduate enrolments, accord¬ 
ing to Statistics Canada, women 
still account for only 47 per cent of 
doctoral enrolments. 

“We have to recognize that there 
are still a lot of general and internal¬ 
ized stereotypes that as a society we 
impose, which we are slowly over¬ 
coming,” said University of Manitoba 
graduate students’ association presi¬ 
dent Meaghan Labine. 

“At this point I don’t believe there 
is any intention for there to be less 
women in PhD programs, but rather 
that women as a whole are learning to 
see themselves in professions that only 
a short time ago were unobtainable.” 

Labine said that as more women 
enter certain professions and dis¬ 
ciplines, that will likely encourage 
more women to follow suit. 

Labine’s assertion is backed up by a 
study conducted by the University of 
California Davis, where researchers 
examined female and male students 
at the U.S. Air Force Academy. The 
study found that a teacher’s gender 
had little to no effect on male stu¬ 
dents, but that “it has a powerful 
effect on female students’ perfor¬ 
mance in math and science classes, 
their likelihood of taking future math 
and science courses, and their likeli¬ 
hood of graduating with a [science, 
technology, engineering, or math] 
degree.” 

At the U of M, women already out¬ 
number men in doctoral programs 
in several disciplines, from arts and 
education to medicine, where there 
are 67 women and 49 men enrolled. 


The lone architecture doctoratal stu¬ 
dent is also a woman. 

But in the areas where women most 
often make the poorest showing, they 
are still far behind. There are only 26 
women working alongside 150 men 
to achieve doctorates in engineering, 
and in the hard sciences, the ratio is 
44 women to 82 men. 


“We have to recognize 
that there are still 
a lot of general 
and internalized 
stereotypes that as 
a society we impose, 
which we are slowly 
overcoming.” 

MEAGHAN LABINE 

PRESIDENT, U OF M GRADUATE 
STUDENTS'ASSOCIATION 


According to StatsCan, of all the 
doctorate recipients in Canada in 
2007-08, 55 per cent planned to 
work. Half of the women who 


intended to work after receiving their 
degree, wanted to work in universi¬ 
ties and colleges. 

These women will be teaching 
more young men and women, and 
the mere fact of their presence if they 
are standing at the front of a science 
or math class may encourage their 
female students to continue on in 
their fields. 

The good news — at least for dis¬ 
ciplines that already boast a healthy 
percentage of women at the upper 
educational levels — comes in the UC 
Davis study. Having women teach¬ 
ing encourages the women who are 
studying from them. Their confidence 
in their abilities is higher and they are 
more likely to obtain degrees. 

The problem now seems to be 
encouraging more women to con¬ 
tinue from a masters program to a 
doctorate, especially in sciences and 
engineering. 

“One method to address gender 
imbalance is by promoting gender 
equality and balance within the 
administration and faculty,” Labine 
said. She felt this would be more 
effective than simply “trying to get 
more female students through the 
door.” 



TANNARAYELLAND 

CUP Prairies & Northern Bureau Chief 


SASKATOON (CUP) — When stu¬ 
dents know their university is facing a 
budget crisis they are willing to accept 
both tuition increases and budget cuts, 
according to a new study. 

Higher Education Strategy Associates 
(HESA), a research and strategy group 
for higher education clients, found 
that when asked to consider a univer¬ 
sity’s situation in dealing with a budget 
crisis, most students are willing to see 
their tuition increase. 

Only one student in six said they 
wanted tuition frozen at any cost 
and more than one-third of students 
would accept a five per cent tuition 
increase if it were coupled with 
budget cuts of 7.5 per cent. Another 
third said a tuition increase of 10 per 
cent and budget cuts of five per cent 
would be acceptable. 

University of Alberta Students’ 
Union Vice President (Academic) 
James Eastham disagrees with the 


assertion that negative reactions to 
tuition have to do with a lack of 
awareness over an institution’s finan¬ 
cial situation. He says that the U of A 
does communicate with students, but 
that doesn’t mean tuition increases 
will be well-received. 

“I would say that the current situa¬ 
tion that we have [at the U of A] with 
all of the consultation that we get is 
very good at helping us to understand 
why the university is in the positions 
that they are,” he said. 

“But I don’t necessarily think that 
it will make us happy that tuition is 

going up or that budgets are being 

. >> 
cut. 

University of Manitoba Students’ 
Union President Heather Laube said 
in a recent email that despite being 
involved in planning the U of M’s 
budget each year, students “unfortu¬ 
nately are often a minority voice on 
the [budget advisory] committee,” 
especially when asking for lower 
tuition. 

Laube said she finds the main 


benefit to sitting on the committee is 
not in directing policy and funding, 
but in “obtaining advance informa¬ 
tion on what the next year’s university 
budget will look like.” 

The study found that “while [stu¬ 
dents] think it might be appropriate 
for a university to ask students to pay 
more to close a budget gap, they also 
want to see the pain shared,” but as 
Laube explained, students often feel 
they have little say in how funds are 
actually allocated. 

Associate Vice President (Risk 
Management Services) Phillip Stack 
at the U of A said that students are 
involved in budget planning and con¬ 
tinued by saying that “it’s critical that 
students actively participate in the 
process.” 

At the U of A, the presidents of the 
undergraduate and graduate students’ 
unions sit on several committees that 
see the budget, as well as the universi¬ 
ty’s board of governors, who approves 
the budget. There is also a student-at- 
large position on the board. 












































opinion@gateway.ualberta.ca ♦ thursday, march 31,2011 



Canada lacks 
leadership in 
Libya 

WITH BOTH OUR ATTENTION AND THE MEDIA’S 
focused squarely on the campaign trail for the 
federal election, it’s easy to forget that there’s a sig¬ 
nificant battle going on for control of Libya, a battle 
with humanitarian consequences that Canada is now 
involved in. 

Some 500 troops were deployed earlier this month 
to help with the ongoing NATO-led mission in 
Libya. And without a functioning Canadian govern¬ 
ment overseeing the show, the excursion runs the 
risk of flying dangerously off course. 

Dubbed Operation Mobile by the military, it’s 
already the second-largest overseas deployment cur¬ 
rently on the plate for the Canadian Forces. 

With the exception of Afghanistan, the operation 
is already larger than every other combined. Fighter 
jets are being sent with all of their ground crews to 
Italy to attack targets in Libya, while refuelling and 
reconnaissance aircraft are also being sent to help 
with logistics and enforce a UN-mandated arms 
embargo. 

But too many questions are left unanswered by our 
quick deployment. There is currently no defined mis¬ 
sion, no end date, no goal to strive for. Are our planes 
there to prevent Moammar Gadhafi from killing his 
own people? Or are we deploying forces in order to 
help rebel forces fighting out of the eastern half of the 
country? And who will be leading this mission during 
the month while the government is out of session and 
the federal campaign is running? 

These are questions that need answers. Without 
them, it’s hard to support the continuation of the 
operation. 

International support for the deployment didn’t 
begin to come together until earlier this month 
when the Arab League called on the United Nations 
to enforce a no-fly zone over Libya. The UN took the 
request a step further, asking that member nations 
“take all measures to protect civilians under threat” 
while stopping just short of condoning a full-scale 
invasion. 

And while the need to protect the civilian popula¬ 
tion in Libya is urgent and necessitates an immediate 
reaction, if clear goals aren’t laid out, we could see 
what military experts call “mission creep.” What 
started out as preventing Gadhafi from moving in on 
civilian targets has already morphed into an attack 
force hammering government soldiers on behalf of 
the rebels. 

What comes after that is the question. We’ve 
already started acting as the de facto air force for 
the rebels. Without any political oversight or some 
sort of end-game in mind, it’s easy to see that things 
could easily get out of hand. No one has articulated a 
proper finale to the whole Libyan excursion. 

The problem is compounded in Canada, where 
our fearless political leaders have decided to take a 
full month to beat each other about the head with 
ridiculous allegations and generally ignore the day- 
to-day running of the country. 

Someone in Ottawa needs to come out and say 
how long our troops will be engaged in Libya and 
address the question regarding the overall extent of 
the mission. 

If the UN is unable or unwilling to give a timeline 
for the mission, our political leadership should 
give us a solid timeframe and end goal. Our troops 
deserve that much. 


JUSTIN BELL 
Managing Editor 

Electoral options 

So many parties 

Yet no real choices this year 

Let’s all vote Pirate 


MATT HIRJI 
Pirate Editor 



letters. 

eas 


TO THE 


STAND welcomes 
student involvement for 
Sudan 


Inthemidstofswiftchangesthrough- 
out North and South Sudan, violence 
is on the rise. Satellite images of 
burning villages and devastated 
homes are just another indication 
of international failure in maintain¬ 
ing a sustainable peace. On January 
9, 2011, the referendum confirmed a 
split between the South and North. 
Since then, there has been clear evi¬ 
dence of violations of human rights 
and escalating violence, not only 
in the border region between the 
North and South, but also in Darfur. 
The promise of "never again" fades 
away as violence in Darfur looms on 
the horizon. 

There was unprecedented inter¬ 
national attention during the South 
Sudan referendum, but it all seems 
superficial when it comes down to 
protecting people after the referen¬ 
dum. Rebel groups like the Justice 
and Equality Movement, Sudan 
Liberation Army, and others have 
been in conflict with Sudan's govern¬ 
ment for years. The cost has been 
countless innocent civilians, and yet, 
these issues lack appropriate atten¬ 
tion, and are overshadowed by inter¬ 
national politics. The reoccurrence 
of the international community's 
negligence appears to have proved 
yet another opportunity for lasting 


peace in Darfur and South/North 
Sudan to have been ignored. 

Students at the University of 
Alberta can help alleviate the situ¬ 
ation in Darfur and South/North 
Sudan by contacting the Canadian 
government to request them to lead 
a meaningful peace process in the 
region in order to maintain security 
for the Sudanese people. Canada, 
with the help of the international 
community, should engage various 
rebel groups and the government of 
Sudan in a series of negotiations for 
a diplomatic solutionfor peace inthe 
region. Canada should also assist in 
keeping Darfur as an integral part 
of these negotiations to ensure that 
peace in Darfur is a priority for the 
international community. 

Visit www.standcanada.org 
for more details, email writing 
assistance, and more info on the 
1-800-Genocid(e) hotline. 

ELAUNA BOUTWELL 

President, U of A Chapter, Stand 

Canada 


APIRG needs to live up 
to its non-partisan claim 

An open letter to APIRG, 

I was recently walking by your 
office in HUB and noticed, to my 
dismay, but not surprise, that you 
had posters advertising the events 
surrounding Israeli Apartheid 
Week. I find this to be symptom¬ 
atic of the bias present within your 
organization, an organization may 
I add that is funded by students of 


the University of Alberta and claims 
to be "non-partisan." 

I think that, at least in concept, 
APIRG is a good idea. Our society 
needs to produce students who 
have an informed understanding of 
society. However, in practice, APRIG 
has become a partisan organization, 
only supporting projects that propa¬ 
gate the ideology of the board. 

Groups and events supported 
by APIRG include: the Palestinian 
Solidarity Network, Greenpeace, 
Deep Green Resistance and frequent 
events that are, I surmise, highly criti¬ 
cal of the oilsands. 

This is, I gather, not a new issue 
either. Reading excerpts of a news¬ 
letter published in 2005, one read 
about the "Western chauvinists" 
and how in the capitalist system, 
which is motivated by "greed," 
there is little concern for "labour 
rights and the environment." Now, 
I have no qualms with any of these 
groups existing, or for that matter, 
being funded; I take issue with the 
obvious political motivation behind 
the funding. If there was some sort 
of balance practiced by the board, I 
would have no problem. 

Further, the ideology being pro¬ 
moted is not representative of the 
student body, in its entirety, at the 
University of Alberta. Yet, we all fund 
APIRG. Now, one can argue that 
these fees are optional; however, 
being aware of the overall apathy of 
the student body, I feel this is a weak 
argument. The fees are small enough 
that most will not notice or care, yet 
large enough to allow APIRG to con¬ 
tinue to function. 


ROSS VINCENT 

So in closing, I would like to 
reiterate that I have no problem 
with the views being promoted by 
APIRG, lest I be labelled a bigot, 
merely the lack of ideological bal¬ 
ance demonstrated by an organiza¬ 
tion that relies on a diverse student 
population for funding. 

DAVE JONES 

Arts I 


from 2< E 

web 

Catholic schools only a 
little religious 

RE: ("Catholic schools shouldn't 
be only option," Jordan Ching, 
March 24) 

As a person who went to Catholic 
school for many years, I would like 
to point out a specific point that the 
School Act says. "Catholic theology, 
philosophy, practices and beliefs, 
the principles of the Gospel and 
teachings of the Catholic Church, 
are made accessible to students, 
including in the curriculum of every 
subject taught, both in and outside 
of formal religion classes, celebra¬ 
tions and exercises". 

It does not say that it teaches 
Catholic values, rather makes them 
accessible and available to students. 

I never witnessed a teacher in my 
schools force a student to participate 
in a Catholic practice, or not allow 
them to disagree with something 
PLEASE SEE LETTERS - PAGE 10 





thursday, march 31,2011 ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca 


8 OPINION 

The never-ending advantages of being an asshole 


DARCY 

ROPCHAN 


P eople nowadays are too damn 
nice. It’s like Louis Armstrong’s 
“It’s a Wonderful World” has 
come to life. “I see friends shaking 
hands, saying, ‘How do you do?’ 
They’re really saying, ‘I love you.’ ” It 
makes me want to puke. 

Back in the old days, life was gov¬ 
erned by the principle of survival of the 
fittest. You had to be mean and keen to 
survive. Unfortunately along the way, 
a jobless hippy named Jesus Christ 
taught everyone the golden rule: do 
unto others as you would have them do 
unto you. Bullshit. I say do unto others 
before they do it to you. That’s the ass¬ 
hole’s golden rule. 

You may be wondering if I’m quali¬ 
fied to be giving lessons on the fine art 
of assholery. Don’t worry, I can assure 
you I’ve been an asshole all my life. But 
just in case you still need convincing, 
let me give you my credentials. First, 
I rarely, if ever, hold the door open 
for people, even when their hands are 
full. I didn’t get to where I am today by 



“If I’m walking down the street listening to my iPod 
and some guy stops me to ask for directions or begs 
me to call an ambulance because he’s been shot, I 
pretend I don’t see him, turn up the volume, and keep 
on walking. I’m trying to TikTok with Ke$ha here; 
I’m not the fucking Yellow Pages.” 



MATTHIRJI 


THE ASSHOLE'S GOLDEN RULE Pre -emptive attacks are always necessary. 


holding doors open and letting people 
walk all over me, taking advantage of 
my good graces. If you can’t open the 
door yourself, you don’t need to be in 
the building that badly. 

Second, if I’m walking down the 
street listening to my iPod and some 
guy stops me to ask for directions or 
begs me to call an ambulance because 
he’s been shot, I pretend I don’t see 
him, turn up the volume, and keep 
on walking. I’m trying to Tik Tok 
with Ke$ha here; I’m not the fucking 
Yellow Pages. 

Third, and most importantly, I 
never, ever give up my seat on the 
bus for mothers with small children 
or the elderly. Listen, grandma, when 
you start taking a full course load and 
carry around a 500-pound bag of 
textbooks with you, then we’ll talk. 
Until then, move it on back. Your 
made-up excuses of “my arthritis 
hurts” and “I think I’m having a heart 
attack” are irritating me. 

Need a practical reason? To be an 


asshole is to be efficient. I can’t count 
all the time I save in my day by not 
saying please and thank you to people. 
Save your breath and energy. Your 
waitress isn’t going to remember that 
you thanked her when she brought 
you your pasta. She will, however, 
remember if you called her by an 
unsavory nickname when she came to 
take your drink order. It’s important to 
make an impression on people. 

Being a dick shaves minutes off my 
commute to class. How many times 
have you been trying to rush through 
HUB Mall, only be stuck behind a 
bunch of slow walkers and couples 
holding hands? When Romeo and 
Juliet are in front of me blocking the 
way with their loving grasp, I just 
yell “Red Rover” and burst through 
that hand-holding bond like nobody’s 
business. Not only does it establish 
my dominance and show them that 
I’m too important to stand behind 
them and witness their love, but it 
also ruins the romantic moment they 


were enjoying. And that makes me feel 
warm and fuzzy inside. Even if I’m not 
hurrying, I still push people out of the 
way as if I am. After all, I want a seat at 
the back of the class, so I can sleep. 

If you find yourself wanting to be 
an asshole, but have been nice all your 
life, it’s never too late to change. It’s all 
about baby steps. Laugh too loud in a 
movie theatre. Scare small children by 
pretending to kidnap them. Tell your 


girlfriend or wife what you really think 
about her new hairstyle. There’s no limit 
to the ways you can be a dick. Nature 
is full of assholes — just the other day I 
saw a squirrel beat up a smaller squir¬ 
rel for his stash of nuts. Then the wind 
blew over a frail old lady with a walker. 
Later, it began to rain on a bunch of 
kids in the park, ruining their day. 

And I thought to myself, what a 
wonderful world. 


Straight male gamers aren’t really 
facing horrible discrimination 



JORDAN 

CHING 


S ometimes, I am truly ashamed 
to call myself a gamer. It’s 
one of my favourite hobbies, 
and one that I’d like to turn into a 
career someday. However, when I 
look at some of the twats who seem 
to get perverse pleasure out of drag¬ 
ging the title of “gamer” through the 
mud, it makes me wish that there 
was some sort of application process 
to put it behind your name. While 
most people I encounter who share 
the passion seem like perfectly fine, 
well-adjusted individuals, there will 
always inevitably be a small but vocal 
population of self-entitled trolls. 

The latest case comes as a two-for- 
one special centered around Dragon 
Age II. Those familiar with the series 
know that BioWare does an admirable 
job of letting their character Hawke 
reflect a wide spectrum of ideologies, 
in addition to letting the player deter¬ 
mine things like gender and sexual 
orientation. As such, many of the 
romance options are available to both 


a male and female Hawke, save for 
the princely heterosexual Sebastian. 
This push for inclusiveness is admi¬ 
rable, and BioWare is often lauded 
as being a driving force in making 
gaming more enjoyable for a wide 
spectrum of people. 

One player took issue with this and 
took to BioWare’s forums to decry the 
neglect of the “Straight Male Gamer” 
that, they claimed, made up the 
core demographic for the game. The 
poster even went so far as to claim 
to speak on behalf of this wronged 
demographic in saying that there 
should be a “no homosexuality” 
option in the game. The post borders 
on unbelievable, and I felt insulted 
that this person claimed to represent 
my views on the subject. Obviously, 
their fragile and narrow-minded 
psyche needed protection from the 
frightening alternative viewpoints 
present in the game. 

In response, the lead writer of 
Dragon Age II David Gaider lam¬ 
basted the poster and dismissed the 
narrow-minded asshat’s comments. 
Many people thought this was a com¬ 
mendable thing to do, and it was 
refreshing to see someone who was 
trolling get a healthy dose of reality. 
But it seems that there are still others 
who feel that BioWare’s crimes don’t 
end there. 


Over the weekend, a petition to 
have Gaider fired was started for 
“stereotyping gays.” Gaider, the peti¬ 
tion claims, portrays homosexuals 
in Dragon Age II as being “unable to 
be normal people and think nothing 
about sex.” I’m not sure what game 
the person who wrote the petition 
was playing, but I don’t think it’s the 
same one I was. I seem to remem¬ 
ber that one of my male companions 
made a pass at my male character, 
but it was only once, and he didn’t 
broach the subject again. Compared 
to Isabella, one of the female com¬ 
panions in the game, he’s a damn 
saint. The other possible male-male 
love interest never even made a move 
on me. 

Both of these cases exhibit the sense 
of entitlement that seems to be the 
trademark of every gamer troll out 
there. It seems that these people are 
only capable of pissing and moaning 
every time they feel that they have 
been personally screwed over, that 
their specific ideals weren’t repre¬ 
sented, or that their delicate sensi¬ 
bilities have been offended. Here’s a 
tip, free of charge: lighten the hell 
up. Nobody is out to purposely piss 
you off, so grow up and accept that 
the game industry isn’t going to bend 
over backwards to please your every 
whim. 


THREEUN FREE 

Got something that you need to get off your mind? Either email us 
at threelinesfree@gateway.ualberta.ca f tweet @threelinesfree f or 
message us at www.thegatewayonline.ca/threelinesfree 


Honestly guys and gals, I LOVE fridays. 
why? Well, cause' that means the weekend, 
and FUN! _ 

I gotta lube up before linear algebra final, cuz 
I'm gonna get raped. 

Sometimes I want to yell GET A ROOM at 
random couples. 

Atlas will shrug! 

Has anyone ever noticed that at the U of A, 
everything is standardized except for quality 
of instruction? 

Honest to fuck. Class is not the food-court. 

I think someone turned up the volume on 
the ambient market sounds that play every 
ten minutes outside of Tory 1-113... 

Re; ANTHR101 brown sessions jacket guy.... 
No, you do not know who I am:) 

Bigger IS better 

Anal is gross. My boyfriend doesn't like it 
cause it's gross and he has a large penis. 

I just lost a class to a fire drill. All fire drills do 
is make you takethe real thing less seriously. 
Case-in-point: I took the long, slow way out 
of the building. There is no way to tell a drill 
from the real thing! 

Happy Birthday Marine!!! 

From the crazy Froggy girls 

Test your might! MENTAL KORN-BAT! 

we made the snow boobs... you're 
welcome! 

I am totally in favor of a "get your shit 
together" day. I think that would be better 
than a fall reading week. 

Formal Fridays: Suit up! 

I hope you people don't drive the way you 
walk. 


Any girls around campus like guys with long 
hair? _ 

I'm in love with my biol 207 TA. You're so 
smart and sexy, I just can't help it. 

If the guy in "Faces of the UofA" who was 
alsothetop left piconthefront page (March 
29) is gay, he needs to contact me at once. 
I'll be monitoring TLF for a while... 

Guy in my Phil 217 course: Stop sitting like 
such a cocky asshole when you open your 
trap. You're in school, not being interviewed 
on Jay Leno. 

University: where students are expected 
to be perfect, and students expect the 
University to fuck up. 

To people bitching about the people who 
bitch in tlf, this is a place to bitch without 
consequences.so deal and stop bitching... 
bitches. 

Yes, it was a waste of money to put coloured 
lights in HUB but it's an even bigger 
waste if you never turn them on. Don't be 
embarrassed. 

Hey U of A, I know we're broke, but would it 
really be that difficult to get some working 
clocks? Or just reset the clocks that have 
stopped in Tory? 

The Gateway reserves the right to 
edit any submissions, as well as 
refuse publication of any submis¬ 
sion it deems racist, sexist, hateful, 
libellous, or overtly offensive. The 
Gateway cannot guarantee that your 
submission will be used (but we'll 
try). Submissions should be 130 char¬ 
acters max (including spaces). 


There is no such thing as — 

m jhlir nnininn wi 


Li L/ / / v/ jJ II II 1 1 ■ - ^7 

There is only 

published opinion. ? „ 

- Winston Churchill , 

A ' 

Gateway Opinion: 

Publishing opinions publically since 1910 




THE GATEWAY ♦ volume Cl number 44 


ADVERTISEMENT 9 



3000 sq ft. of awesomeness. 

Most people wouldn't know awesome if it slapped them in the face. 
We're looking for a group of friends that would. 

Kappa Alpha Society is a 186-year-old student organization 
seeking to establish a chapter at the University of Alberta. 
Five members of the group would live in the Kap House on 
campus at 11046 - 87 Avenue. 

All members of the group must be cool and be willing to travel 
internationally. The ability to throw ridiculous parties, discuss 
your personal philosophy on any given topic and shape the 
future of the world is absolutely mandatory. 


TO START KA AT THE U of A TEXT: 780.497.1224 































10 OPINION 


thursday, march 31,2011 ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca 


LETTERS ■ CONTINUED FROM PAGE 7 

they were teaching. As parents are trying 
to give their children "freedom of reli¬ 
gion," I believe they are taking away that 
very right, If the children are not exposed 
to any religion at all, their choice is made 
for them. What are the parents scared 
of? That their children will be exposed to 
something occult or evil? Or thatthey will 
become involved in something they do 
not understand? I believe that instead of 
running away from religion, they should 
strive to understand what the Catholic 
Church is trying to teach their children 
and what exactly they have against it, 

“BRIANNE” 

Via Internet 

Community has to deal 
with parking plans 

RE: ("Campus Saint-Jean parking lot 
faces local opposition/' Simon Yackuiic, 
March 24) 

The residents complain that students 
park on the street, then they complain 
about a parking lot, They need to decide 
if they want one or the other. NIMBY 
attitudes need to be ignored. 

If residents in the area are against 
non-residents parking in their area they 
should be required to attach a special 
label to their vehicle banning them from 


street parking in all other neighbour¬ 
hoods. What's that? That's not fair? 

They bought a home next to a post¬ 
secondary campus, did they really not 
think there would be people driving to 
school? 

“MARK” 
Via Internet 

The origin of sexual orien¬ 
tation needs more research 

RE: ("Panel examines role ofLGBTQ in 
organized religion," Meryl Friedland, 
March 24) 

Nothing emerging from Christian 
fundamentalist bigotry is tolerable, 
but not all persons who question 
whether 'gayness' is congenitally 
predetermined or not — or is a mix of 
these causes — is a "mean-spirited" 
bigot, I'm a lifelong progressive and 
I've always supported the full citizen¬ 
ship and legal enfranchisement of 
all my gay fellow earthlings. Always. 
Completely and without equivoca¬ 
tion. But I still question, in the name 
of science, whether there is solid, 
unimpeachable evidence pointing to 
a genetic determinant to gayness that 
is supported by clear, peer evaluated 
research. 

This is quoted from the entry on 
"Biology and Sexual Orientation" in 


Wikipedia: 

"No simple, single cause for sexual 
orientation has been conclusively 
demonstrated, but research suggests 
that it is by a combination of genetic, 
hormonal, and environmental influ¬ 
ences, with biological factors involving 
a complex interplay of genetic factors 
and the early uterine environment." 

Of course there's a compelling inter¬ 
est for some to desire the confirmation 
of 'gay-at-birth.' From the Wiki article: 

"Evidence that sexual orientation 
is biologically determined (therefore 
perhaps immutable in the legal sense) 
would strengthen the legal case for 
heightened anti-discriminating laws on 
that basis." 

I welcome advances in genetic 
research that will put this gray area to 
light. In the meantime, I'll continue to 
treat my fellow human beings with the 
deference and respect that's their due 
regardless of their erotic leanings in 
affairs of the heart and mind. 

“LARY NINE” 
Via Internet 

Letters to the editor should be sent to 
ietters@gateway.ualberta.ca or deliv¬ 
ered via paper airplane to SUB 3-04. 
Website comments may occasionally 
be printed. 

The Gateway reserves the right to 


readerpoll 

"Why aren't you voting?" 



I’m voting because I’m a 
responsible student. (51%) 


I honestly couldn't be 
bothered. (20%) 


There's another election 
going on? (20%) 



Because I already voted in 
this poll. (9%) 


THIS WEEK'S QUESTION: 

"How will you be procrastinating during finals this time?" 

vote online at thegatewayonline.ca 


edit letters for length and clarity, and to 
refuse publication of any letter it deems 
racist, sexist, libellous, or hateful in 
nature. The Gateway also reserves the 
right to publish letters online. 

Letters to the editor should be no 
longer than 400 words, and should 
include the author's name, program, 


and year of study to be considered for 
publication. 

The Gateway will not print letters 
if bribed. That said, we're big fans of 
free food, so any donations should be 
brought to SUB 3-04. We like chicken 
curry, bacon, tropical smokies, and green 
onion cakes. 



Think of your education 


1-866-952-3816 

www.shimarmot.com 


*Don't forget to register for the ALOHA CUP ski/snowboard 
race. Open to all ages, join us on April 16, 201 1 for some fun! 


OPEN UNTIL MAY 1st 

Great snow conditions and awesome prices! 


MARMOT BASIN 


jasper-Canadian Rockies 


as an investment. We do. 


We can help you finance medical school—and offer advice on managing the debt, 
financial planning and more. MD exists purely to assist and advise doctors, which 
means we're as invested in your future as you are. 

So before you learn more about medicine, learn more about MD. 


4 Ji 1 >) 


PHYSICIAN 

SERVICES 

CMA COMPANIES 


MD. Specializing in you. 


mdadvice@cma.ca md.cma.ca/students I 1 866 243-9505 


Financial Practice Living 

- md.cma.ca 

MD Physician Services provides financial products and services, the MD family of mutual funds, investment counselling services and practice management products and services through the MD group 
of companies. For a detailed list of these companies, visit md.cma.ca. 








THE GATEWAY ♦ volume Cl number 44 


ADVERTISEMENT \\ 




SIGN UP NOW 


T A UNIVERSITY OF 

Google" Apps @ w alberta 



* 


jp ?| s 

Mill iPnrt 


Safari Mail Photo, 


SWITCH BY 

APRIL29/2011 

FOR A CHANCE TO WIN AN 






OTHER PRIZES INCLUDE 

42” Plasma HDTV 
37” LCD HDTV 

Android Phone 

Gift Certificates 

...and many more* 

Faculty and Staff are not eligible for the contest. Your chance to win 
any of the prizes referred above are subject to the official contest 
rules, which can be found at ualberta.ca/google/contest 


ual berta .ca/goog le/switch 





































































FEATURE 


Thursday, march 31,2011 ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca 



Short Fiction 

(1,500 WORDS OR LESS) 


“Raven’s Story” 

by Andrew Thompson 

Raven stopped walking. He stared up at the sky and spread his 
arms. Opened his eyes. His mouth. Let the bitter cold rain¬ 
water sluice over him, washing away some of the slime of 
the city. 

The greasy sky swirled lazily, weaving in and out of the 
grey buildings. 

Raven was tired. Of the city. Of his life. Of himself He ran 
one hand through his long, wet, jet-black hair, flicked water 
onto the ground. The dampened hand crawled to the safety 
of his dry, ratty pocket, taking comfort in the razor blade. His 
one-way ticket. His get-out-of-jail-free card. 

And he could use it any time. 

Rut not tonight. No, tonight he had a little bit of money. He 
thought of the first hit that would come from the syringe and 
smiled warmly, the ghost of childlike ignorance sprawling 
across his grizzled face. He started trembling gently. 

Soon everything would be alright. But not yet. Not yet. 
NOT YET. DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP THE TREMBLING OH 
GOD I CAN’T TAKE IT. He flipped open the plastic top of his 
cup and hurriedly guzzled down the last of his coffee, the bit¬ 
terness anchoring him to reality. 

Ok. There. 

Everything’s fine. Tonight, everything would be okay. 
Tonight, and tomorrow. And tomorrow, and maybe even 
tomorrow. 

He would take the medicine his veins screamed for. Perhaps 
find a body with which to share apathetic warmth. 

And he’d get a glance, just a little taste, of something he’d 
lost years ago. He smiled numbly and kept trudging. 

* * * 

A little boy named Raven swaggered down the street, leaving 
the late afternoon’s dust trailing in his wake. On his tiny head 
was a huge, badly frayed straw sombrero that kept falling 
down over his face. Over his eyes was an expensive black silk 
handkerchief— one he had permanently borrowed from his 
mother — replete with two oversized mismatched eyeholes 
and a tattered length of twine holding the ends together at the 
back of his head. In one of his grimy fists were a few coins. 

He stopped to squint at the angry red sun, then flashed 
a gap-toothed grin and started humming the Lone Ranger 
theme song to himself in gleeful falsetto. 

He was on a mission. 

And this was a mission so brave — so bold — that John 
Wayne and Superman would have both fainted dead away, 
had either of them been asked to go in his stead. He was 
going to the store to get hamburger for dinner. Alone. 

It had taken all his six years of wisdom and bravery 
to get the quarter mile from his parents’ trailer on the 


reservation to the suburban outskirts of the small town. He had 
hiked through tall grasses and down quiet residential streets, 
clutching a beloved stick to his chest like a rifle, shooting 
Indians and Not-sees dead. 

He was The Lone Ranger. 

But even the Lone Ranger felt a twinge of trepidation when 
a small, shiny car sidled up to the curb, its engine purring like 
a hungry stray cat. 

* * * 

That morning, it had hit him, as it had many times before. 

Raven was killing himself He had to stop. He had to change. 
But couldn’t they just see that he wanted to make good? 

So he cried. He swore to himself to stop using drugs. He 
prayed to God, bared his soul. 

He howled for forgiveness, reciting tattered fragments of 
a long-neglected prayer in a long-forgotten language borne 
upon his uncle’s sweet booze breath. He pledged with all his 
heart. 

And he meant every word of it. 

As he had all the other times. 

Then he dried his bloodshot eyes and dragged himself out 
of his cheap townhouse and went to work. 

* * * 

Raven came to a stop, suddenly feeling very small. Nobody 
on the poor reservation drove a shiny car like that. Not even 
the rich white people in the town drove cars like that. Raven 
stared, his thumb embedded firmly in between his chapped 
lips, while something bitter and green tugged at the back of 
his mind. 

It would be many years before the small boy understood 
the meaning of envy. 

The car’s tinny engine stopped grumbling, and the tinted 
passenger window rolled down. 

The first thing Raven saw was a great quantity of wiry 
white hair, the texture of reindeer moss ooze its way over the 
windowsill. Two hard cobalt eyes followed, nestled in gray, 
wrinkled leather. Raven gawked. His finger, with a diligent 
mind of its own, began excavating his tiny nose. 

The man stretched his thin lips away from slimy yellow 
teeth. The boy stared for a few seconds, thinking that perhaps 
this was a skoocoom — the little-boy-eating bear-man born 
from the sour fumes of his uncle’s stories. Then he realized 
the man was smiling. 

Raven smiled back uncertainly. 

The man, apparently encouraged by this, withdrew his 
hairy face with alarming speed, and barked knife-edged 
words into the car. 

A second later, he whipped his shaggy head back around, 
and smiled again. A long, pale arm, mottled with black spots 
and little blue webs, slithered out of the car, clutching an ice 
cream cone. 

Trembling with equal parts excitement and trepidation, 
Raven’s chubby little hands shot out and took the proffered 
gift. The man withdrew his hand, his face still wearing the 
same grin. 

Raven looked up at the strange man, looked down at the 


melting gobbet of ice cream, and dug in. A long black tele¬ 
photo lens inched its way out of the car and blinked quietly at 
the little boy eating ice cream. 

Then the tinted window rolled back up and the shiny little 
car pulled away from the curb. 

Raven didn’t know that the man was an acclaimed European 
photographer on vacation, or that he would win several pres¬ 
tigious awards for the photograph “Little Brown Zorro Eats 
White Ice Cream.” 

Nor did he know, as he walked away eating his ice cream, 
that he had dropped his coins. 

* * * 

Raven stood quietly outside of the drug house, his body 
tense, as he listened to the city around him. What was he 
doing? Who was he? 

He pondered those questions as he massaged a slender roll 
of crisp paper money. 

He looked up at the quiet moon, smelled the musty mois¬ 
ture in the air. Took a few bold steps forward, pushed aside a 
flimsy metal screen door, and stepped out of the night, into 
the gloom. 

The skinny little German guy — who called himself Glossy 
— sat in a corner, rocking himself back and forth, mutter¬ 
ing anxiously. He jerked his head back, stared at the ceiling, 
his eyes wide and glassy, as two weak streams of dark blood 
carved tracks through the white powder on his upper lip. 

Somebody sneezed, and Raven jerked his head towards the 
sound. A small figure was seated directly in front of a televi¬ 
sion, watching two masked cartoon men engaged in a silent 
gunfight. 

Raven took a few more steps into the house. A tiny head 
swivelled around. Raven looked sadly at the child, his brow 
furrowed. 

* * * 

Raven skipped happily down the street, the cold sticky treat 
coating his throat and his grimy fingers in equal measure. It 
was a while before he realized the coins were gone. 

Panic fluttered through his chest as he dropped his ice cream 
cone and stumbled awkwardly down the sidewalk, looking 
for the distinctive ruddy glint of the coins he dropped. 

His head whipped around, and the sombrero fell over his 
eyes. He tore it from his head, letting it fall to the ground with 
a dry rasp. The awkward eye-holes of his mask restricted his 
vision and he tore it off, letting it flutter to the pavement. 

They were gone, he realized with a pang of fear and sorrow. 
He looked back at the ice cream, melting sullenly into the 
sidewalk, and started crying. 

Blubbering, Raven was the Lone Ranger no more. He stum¬ 
bled for home a sad little boy. 

* * * 

Raven strode through the night, clutching a small, shiver¬ 
ing bundle to his chest. 

“Where we goin’, Rav’n?” asked the child. 

“Somewhere better,” said the man. 

“’Kay,” said the child, and went to sleep sucking 
its thumb. 








THE GATEWAY ♦ volume Cl number 44 


FEATURE 13 







2nd 




“Ofelia” 

by Ellen Keith 

Ofelia chose a salmon-coloured dress for the wedding. Salmon because the ladies at her Zumba 
class said that the colour flattered her skin, made it shine like the copper coat of a lynx, because 
the priest gave her an extra wafer when she wore that dress to communion, but most of all, 
because salmon would clash with Chloe’s fiery hair. 

Chloe’s skin was chalky white and dusted with freckles. The spots seemed to multiply daily 
and Ofelia imagined that parts of her bronzed son had rubbed off onto Chloe’s cheeks. Javier 
could darken her face with his kisses, but that wouldn’t make her any more Mexican. 

She was Irish. And not even a proper one. While Javier wore a cross pendant, her neck was 
bare. Ofelia searched Chloe’s purse for the Rosary, but instead found lipstick. And birth control. 

Ofelia didn’t just want a daughter-in-law; she wanted a daughter. A Mexican one, or at least a 
Catholic. Her chin had rumpled into a frown the first time the word “daughter-in-law” slid off 
Chloe’s tongue. 

“Ay, Dios imo ,,” she had muttered. 

“ Tranquila, Mama,” Javier said, tucking his fiancee under his arm, “Calm down.” 

Ofelia knew it was her fault. She’d urged Javier to study abroad so that he could get a job with 
a powerful company. 

She’d lined up some eligible girls for his return — ones who went to Bible Study each Tuesday, 
prepared the most savoury mole sauce, and had enough curves to ensure a brood of healthy 
grandchildren. 

He returned with an engineering degree and a fiancee who could cook only boiled potatoes. 

One afternoon, Chloe stood in silence at the threshold of the kitchen. Ofelia beckoned her in 
and pointed to a bowl on the counter. It was filled with egg-shaped balls of dough. 

“Tor-ti-llas.” 

Ofelia kneaded, rolled, pressed, and fried the dough into a golden disc. Chloe mimicked her, 
but her tortilla sagged, warped, and fractured. Ofelia sighed. 

Later, Javier embraced Ofelia. 

“Thank you for helping Chloe today. She’s trying.” 

The wind teased the hem of her dress as she stood at the edge of the jetty, staring out at the 
ocean. She heard the clamour of Irish voices. Chloe’s relatives had discovered the swim-up bar. 

The wedding canopy stood naked in front of her. In an hour, the resort staff would dress it 
with ribbons and garlands for the reception. The ceremony was in the chapel; she’d refused to 
see her son marry without a priest. 

The soft patter of bare feet on grass interrupted her thoughts. Chloe carried the train of her 
wedding gown as she walked, and her auburn hair spilled across her face in loose curls. 

“Are you ready, Mama? It’s time.” 

Ofelia was silent. 

“Mama?” 

Chloe tried again. 

“Your dress, it’s beautiful,” she pointed, and then hesitated. “It’s — muy bonito.” 

Ofelia reached out and lowered the lace trim of Chloe’s veil over her face, concealing her 
freckles and pale skin. Then, she turned and followed the path towards the chapel. 


“Sweet Summer 5 

by Kathy Gould 



It was a busy summer day. Mother was running back and forth from the house to the yard. The 
neighbourhood children were over, all nine of them. In and out they went in all directions; all 
calling for help from Mother. Jenny was asking for her bike seat lowered so she could ride with 
some of the other children. She was the youngest in the group. The bicycle was a hand me down 
from her older brother. Jenny insisted she was ready to try it. The oldest children were riding 
the cul-de-sac racetrack. 

It would be Jenny’s only chance to play with them, before they went off to something more 
dangerous. 

Jenny pleaded. Mother paused. Fixing a saddle seemed too challenging and consuming a task. 
Mother rubbed her forehead and tugged softly at her ponytail before committing another task. 
Jenny whined. 

Mother’s decision grew easier with each sway of Jenny’s cries. She would get out the tool box 
and attempt to satisfy Jenny’s pleas. As Mother entered the house, she was interrupted by wail¬ 
ing pleas from others. She could see that they saw her hands were free and she was unaccom¬ 
panied. Liam wanted the water pressure on the sprinkler adjusted. Tomas and Morris needed 
dry clothes. Another few needed snacks and specific toys. Mother fulfilled the easy tasks and 
explained to the others that they will be next in line, after Jenny of course. Jenny waited. She 
found ways to entertain herself with the gravel at her feel. She called intermittently in Mother’s 
direction. 

As time passed, Jenny’s patience began to swell and her voice began to strain with nag¬ 
ging appeal. Mother quickly responded, moving away from the other’s with ratchet in hand 
to carry out the task quicker than usual. With each turn on the bolt, the ratchet hit the comer 
of the saddle causing the ratchet to slip. She bent over to get a better view of the bolt. In the 
background Mother could hear screams. A disagreement or possibly someone was hurt. Jenny 
too, was pacing back and forth as she wondered why her mother was taking so long on what 
looked like a simple adjustment. Mother’s blood pressure was rising. Her mind digressing as she 
began to place herself in recollections of a less frantic moment to tame her mind. In the midst 
of her dreamy state, she calmed down. She felt pressure on her cheek. The ratchet had hit her 
right brow bone and cheekbone. At first it was the sound of the ratchet striking her face that 
caught her attention. Then the heat of the blood rushing to her cheek. Dropping the ratchet , 
she clenched her face. The pressure seemed to help to take away the pain. Jenny saw the whole 
thing. They ran to the freezer box together. Jenny felt like she was to blame. They sat down on 
the porch. Mother consoling Jenny while holding ice to her face. Over the next week Mother’s 
eye produce new colours while she tried to hide these under thick makeup and the frames of 
her glasses. 


Short Short Fiction 'ZZT 


“Reasonable Love” 

by Mitchell Hopkins 



“But Darling, you’re the reason I started smoking.” 

“That’s not funny.” She puts on her black heels and slips out the door without paus¬ 
ing. This is the girl he loves. He followed her to Anchorage so she could take a position 
at the new state gallery. 

This is the girl that loves him. 

He sits at the kitchen table, still facing the doorway but now looking down at his coffee 
cup. He racks his mind, trying to think of the thing he had to do today. 

It gets boring at home. The local newspaper still hasn’t called back; he managed to 
get a position at the front desk but the process seems to take forever. And what to do for 
lunch? They usually meet at 12:30 but she has a meeting today. 

He thinks about how fast it all happened. She cried at the wedding. He passed out in 
the public washroom and the resort staff carried him out. And here they are! He recalls 
all the reasons she told him that she loved him. Reasonable love. What would that look 
like? Probably like running a business, something he knows nothing about. Finally he 
remembers the thing: he was supposed to go to the bank to open a joint savings account. 
For some reason the thought of it makes him sick to the stomach. He chooses instead to 
lounge around the house till four. 

Reasonable love isn’t very fun ... 




2nd 


“A Proper Burial” 

by Andrew Thompson 




Brenda staggered back from the garbage can, looking at the fresh bite wound in her hand 
with numb fascination. Two nearly bloodless rows of puncture wounds stood in stark 
relief, arranged in a tiny half-circle. 

The small zombie thrashed inside the metal trash can, its milky white eyes locked on 
hers. It finally knocked the heavy metal bin over with a clang, spilling itself onto the 
pavement. It struggled to its feet, clutching a gnawed chicken bone in one hand. The 
child had been three or four when it died. 

The creature had unknowingly set a clever trap; attracted by the stench of rotting meat, 
it had climbed into the can, burying itself as it searched for food. When Brenda had 
pushed the mass of garbage down, intending to make room for another bag, it had bitten 
her. 

She tried to feel hatred for the zombie — and failed as it staggered closer, dropping its 
bone and reaching for her beseechingly. 

She drew her hunting knife and knelt, placing herself at eye level with the child. With 
one hand, she grabbed its neck, holding it at arm’s length. It struggled feebly. 

With tears blurring her vision, Brenda spoke words she hadn’t spoken for years, “I 
forgive you for what you have done, and I hope your soul finds peace.” 

With that, she buried the blade to the hilt in the creature’s head. It instantly went 
limp. 

The city’s garbage men would have disposed of the zombie with the other trash, but 
she would give this child a proper burial instead. 

She cradled the wasted body in her arms, remembering the child she had lost so many 
years ago, and strode to the house to say goodbye to her family. 


“Hail” 

by Harley Morison 

He came with a shower of hail. Out of nowhere the sky darkened and the air filled 
with tiny, destructive bullets of ice. The man, short and unshaven, grey and determined, 
stepped out of a hidden alley when everyone else began to take cover. The hail rattled 
to the ground mercilessly—more annoying than damaging—but the gruff, determined 
man didn’t seem to mind. The hail was increasing in size and frequency, and it was sec¬ 
onds before the tiny projectiles that had poked at the pavement was now piercing through 
awnings and umbrellas. The street was almost entirely vacant. As everyone else ran into 
buildings, the man continued into the street without flinching at the sharp ice which cut 
at the cheeks and scalp. 

It started to pile on the ground in gross, misshapen heaps. The pale, white piles strewn 
all over the street reeked of a dismal and foreboding air; like something out of a cemetery. 
The man went on and the sky darkened and a chilling breeze drifted in and the hail thick¬ 
ened and the street became empty all at once. 

Empty, except for the man and someone else: a girl. No more than twenty-five. 
Nondescript. Quiet. Plain. Desperately trying to escape the street and the hail, but with 
no success. 

Blood trickled from her head. She gasped and ran. He ran too. She didn’t make it. 

In the street, something shattered. No one saw. 

No one heard. No one cared. 

There was nothing now; 
he left with the 
shower of 
hail. 












14 FEATURE 


thursday, march 31,2011 ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca 







THE GATEWAY PL 


C 








. \\ v ' 

• - 







Brandon Mewhort 





Jessica van Soest 















































THE GATEWAY ♦ volume Cl number 44 


FEATURE 15 



)to Contest winners 


Honourable Mentions 



Adam Gulyas 


Jackson Hinton 


The Gateway would like to thank all those 
who submitted works to the Literary and 
Photo contests and we extend our 
congratulations to the winners. 


Ellen Keith 









































16 FEATURE 


thursday, march 31,2011 ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca 



mm 

* tA *. 








v J \% -4\v v 


V. /v ; o’ ur \s* > 


The Gateway's mental health series 


Written by Alexandria Eldridge, Simon Yackulic, 

and Ryan Bromsgrove 

Illustrated by Anthony Goertz 


Contemplating 


B eth is like any other student on 
campus, going to class and hang¬ 
ing out with her friends. She’s in her 
fifth year of her Secondary Education degree, 
specializing in English. But Beth (whose name 
has been changed to protect her identity) has 
struggled with bipolar disorder — something 
she’s had to deal with throughout her entire uni¬ 
versity career. She’s also attempted suicide when 
she was a teenager. 


“I think the biggest thing I’ve come across 
at university is that it’s really hard to explain 
my disorder in such a way that I’m not stig¬ 
matized,” she says. “And the stigma that goes 
along with mental illness and with suicide is 
huge. And people feel as though they’re less of 
a person for admitting that they need help.” 

Bipolar disorder, formerly known as 
manic-depressive disorder, describes a mental 
condition where the chemicals in the brain 
that regulate emotion and feelings become 
imbalanced, causing significant changes in 
mood and energy. Sometimes Beth’s attitude 
is elevated, and she has hypomania, where 
she becomes extremely focused on one thing, 
while others get neglected. At other times, 
Beth’s mood will drop, putting her in a 
depressive state, which is when she’s most at 
risk for suicidal thoughts. 


“I get really focused on a project, and it isn’t 
necessarily schoolwork, and so I can’t concen¬ 
trate. I think the biggest thing is in university, 
there’s been more pressure, and there isn’t as 
much leeway. And if I need to get that assign¬ 
ment done, it has to get done no matter how 
I’m feeling,” she says. 

But Beth is up front with her professors 
about her mental illness, and although she 
doesn’t usually open up to her fellow stu¬ 
dents, she believes suicide and mental ill¬ 
ness is something we have to talk about 
as a society. 

“In order for me to be open about my 
mental illness, I need to have a community 
that understands what it really is and not the 
media stereotype version,” she says. “When 
people think of suicide attempts, they think 
about somebody with a gun against their 



THE GATEWAY ♦ volume Cl number 44 


FEATURE 17 


"It's not so much wanting to die as it is a 
struggle between wanting to live and [not] 
wanting to deal with the pain that they're in. 
A lot of people — and these are the people 
that then think of suicide — can't think 
of any way to get rid of that pain except 
by ending their life." 

- Shoghi Nikoo 
Director, Peer Support Centre 


head and they re contemplating it and they re 
writing notes. But the majority of people who 
commit suicide don’t leave notes and they don’t 
leave an explanation for their loved ones. It’s 
not this dramatic moment of decision and, 
‘I’m going to set my affairs all in order.’ It’s a 
moment of quiet desperation, I think.” 

Shoghi Nikoo, director of the Peer Support 
Centre, agrees there are many false impressions 
surrounding suicide. She says it’s a common 
misconception that suicide is about wanting to 
end your life. 

“It’s not so much wanting to die as it is a 
struggle between wanting to live and [not] 
wanting to deal with the pain that they’re in,” 
Nikoo says. “A lot of people — and these are 
the people that then think of suicide — can’t 
think of any way to get rid of that pain except 
by ending their life.” 

Another notable misconception about sui¬ 
cide is that people who hint about ending their 
lives are only looking for attention. However, 
Nikoo says that oftentimes, suicidal comments 
made jokingly may be serious, and are often 
a lot more deserving of attention than many 
people might think. 

“A lot of the clues that you get are actually 
jokes,” Nikoo says. “So somebody will joke 
about, ‘well, if I’m not here, then this won’t 
be a big deal,’ or ‘why don’t you just kill me?’ 
Those are often very subtle clues that the person 
might be thinking about suicide.” 

Located in the lower level of SUB, the Peer 
Support Centre exists as a way for students 
in any kind of distress to reach out for help. 
Somewhere between 13 to 14 per cent of its cli¬ 
ents report having thoughts of suicide. One of 
the important things that they do is to redefine 
suicide, and then directly address it. 

‘‘We’re not afraid of asking the person if they 
are having thoughts of suicide. A lot of people 
are afraid that if they ask them, then they might 
be planting the idea or encouraging them to go 
in that direction [...] and that’s simply just not 
the case. Talking about suicide or asking people 
if they’re having thoughts of suicide will not 
lead them to thinking about it more than they 
already are.” 

Cases can occur where somebody commits 
suicide seemingly out of the blue. But this is 
actually fairly rare, Nikoo says. Often, friends 
and family members simply aren’t familiar 
with the signs. 

Giving away valued gifts, no longer taking 
pleasure in things that they used to, isolating 
themselves, not attending class, poor hygiene, 


all other signs that someone might be having 
thoughts of suicide. If somebody does suspect a 
friend or family member is contemplating sui¬ 
cide, besides asking directly and being willing 
to support that person, one of the things that 
they should do is turn to help as well. 

“It’s basically impossible to support some¬ 
body without having support yourself. So 
whether that’s talking to friends and family, or 
coming to a center like the Peer Support Centre 
or phoning the Edmonton Distress Line, get¬ 
ting support yourself is one of the best ways 
you can support somebody else.” 

Getting mental health issues out into the 
open is of utmost importance, as suicide is 
far more common than most people think. 
According to the Canadian Association for 
Suicide Prevention, suicide was the second 
leading cause of death among people between 
the ages of 15 and 34 in 2005. 

According to the American College 
Health Association National College Health 
Assessment, which measures mental health 
across universities in North America, 81.2 per 
cent of students had never seriously considered 
suicide. Of the respondents, 12.6 per cent had 
considered it in the 12 months prior to the 
survey being taken, and 7.7 per cent had at 
some point attempted suicide. 

Across Canada, it’s also a major concern. Rates 
in the country have remained relatively stable, 
with about 3,600 cases every year between 
2003 and 2007, which are the latest years that 
Statistics Canada has data available. 

Students’ Union President Nick Dehod said 
that suicide is directly related to the greater 
spectrum of mental health problems that 
plague university students. 

“I’m not going to discount the fact that sui¬ 
cide is a very serious thing, but it’s part of a 
greater problem,” Dehod says. “It’s not about 
suicide specifically, but it’s about preventing 
people from getting into the sort of situation 
where suicide starts to become something they 
would consider, and I think that’s indicative of 
a larger problem — how are people connected 
to the campus, how are people supported, and 
how are you making sure they have the tools 
they need.” 

For this reason, Dehod has made mental 
health awareness a key focus of his presidency. 
He has also pushed for a fall reading week, 
which he hopes will give students a break in 
November from the stresses of university life. 
Student Counselling Services, which provides 
support for undergraduate students, has hired 


/ 


• ’ >1 


/ // 


- # 
/ 


uZ 


;j§§ 




■ 








SCSI 


'I : i 


rm 

L *r 


L- f F 

fa s 

Sj I 

m s i 

M a 2 

& s 

£3 - I 


r.t 





I f 

■ 




I ; 

1 


- A 



' *'-**j^ 

• -V 

i 







t' 1 fll : 4 

notes that it has also C v t ~ • 

seen an upswing in use 
and he would like to see a 
larger increase in counsellors. 

“There’s still just a general lack of 
understanding of what mental health is, and 
what depression and anxiety do to students. 
There’s still this mentality at times that univer¬ 
sity is tough, and you’re going to have times 
that you’re stressed out, but that’s not neces¬ 
sarily a good reason to just accept things [...] 
There is stress and anxiety related to going to 
school, but it shouldn’t become debilitating.” 

Dehod says that undergraduates face a 
number of stressful situations that can cause 
their mental state to spiral out of control. 
Students are worried about finding employ¬ 
ment when they graduate, and many are 
living away from home and lack the support 
network that guided them when they were 
younger. Such stressful situations in univer¬ 
sity are made worse by a generation that is too 
hard on itself, something reflective of larger 
societal issues, he says, noting that today, 
“more is just demanded of people.” 

“People are so hard on themselves all 
the time. What continually comes up with 
all these mental health issues is, ‘it’s your 
fault because you’re not budgeting your 


dW ' 



T- -rr-' 


grandfather died, and that’s the first time 
you’ve experienced death, so it’s your fault 
you can’t handle it.’ That’s an issue. People are 
too hard on themselves.” 

Beth says that she knows that she will 
always deal with suicide in her life. It’s a real¬ 
ity accompanying her mental illness, but she 
says that it can get better. 

She hasn’t attempted suicide since she was 
13, but Beth knows it will always be at the 
back of her mind if she’s having a particu¬ 
larly bad day. But she stresses that building a 
support network and being able to confide in 
loved ones who will help without judgment is 
the best way to continue living a healthy life. 

“As an educated adult, I know that it’s not a 
good option and I need to change my thought 
patterns [...] but I know that suicidal thoughts 
aren’t going to go away magically. And it is 
something I’m going to struggle with. And 
just because somebody is suicidal doesn’t 
mean that their life isn’t going to change or 
that they can’t get better. And I think that’s the 


i;-:« 


and a change in diet or sleeping patterns are more counsellors this year, though Dehod time efficiently, it’s your fault because your biggest thing people need to understand.” 


There are a number of resources on campus and in the city for people who need help. From anxiety and depression, to addiction, suicidal 
thoughts or other mental conditions, the first place to turn is the liversity Health Centre (U on the second floor of SUB. They are open from 
8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. during the school year. There are a number of general practitioners on staff, and they can recommend other options. 

Student Counselling Services, across from UHC on the second floor of SUB, has drop-in hours throughout the week. Check out the UHC web¬ 
site at www.uhc.ualberta.ca. 

The Students' Union runs the Peer Support Centre in the basement of SUB, 0-30N. They have drop-in hours from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. during the fall 
and winter semesters. You can also reach them by phone at 7 80) 492-HELP (435 . The City of Edmonton also runs a Distress Line that can be 
reached 24 hours a day at 780) 482-HELP (435 . 



18 ADVERTISEMENT 


thursclay, march 31,2011 ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca 



Matthew Dyck wins Students’ Union Award for Excellence 



Si WE I CIIEN 

Student Awards Office 

When asked what super villain he would 
like to be, this year’s Students’ Union 
Award for Excellence winner chose Dr. 
Otto Octavius, or Dock Ock, one of 
Spiderman’s most dangerous opponents. 
Matthew Dyck, graduating with an 
Engineering Physics and Nanoengineer¬ 
ing Option degree, called Dock Ock an 
“engineer’s dream”, especially because 
he is thinking of working in medical 
robotics. 

The Students’ Union Award for 
Excellence is the Students’ Union’s most 
prestigious award. It is only awarded to 
students in their graduating year who 
have a minimum grade point average of 
3.5, show involvement in extracurricular 
activities as well as a demonstrated skill 
in working with others. 

Matthew, with a 4.0 GPA, and an 
extensive extracurricular repertoire, 
stood out amongst the other applicants. 

“In pursuing academic excellence, my 
piece of advice would be: Everything 
matters,” Matthew said. 

He discouraged students from working 
hard on some assignments and allowing 
themselves to relax on others, and he 
stressed the importance of understand¬ 
ing all of the material thoroughly rather 
than guessing what may or may not be 
on a test. 

“I work really hard. I’m putting in a lot 


of time all the time, it seems. So I think 
my secret is a lot of elbow grease.” 

Some of his time-management 
techniques come from David Allen’s 
work-life management system and book, 
Getting Things Done, where Matthew 
implements some of the techniques of 
managing his tasks and to-do lists. 

However, Matthew noted that it is not 
possible to give a hundred percent to 
everything in spite of his desire to do his 
best, and he cited keeping things in 
balance as his greatest challenge. 


“So I think my 
secret is a lot of 
elbow grease.” 

MATTHEW DYCK 

STUDENT AWARD WINNER 


“You have to keep your priorities in 
check. When you’re making and 
investing that effort in some task, make 
sure you keep it in balance with other 
things... [and] devoting your time to 
things that really matter.” 

Guiding his priorities are a number of 
people in Matthew’s life as well as his 
faith. Most notably, a had faced a great 
challenge around the age of thirteen: his 
mother’s fight with cancer. 

“Having come through some of those 
adversities and growing stronger 


through them rather than buckling 
under the pressure, I think that would be 
a time where I can really look back and 
say, ‘Yeah, I was changed for the better.’” 

Because of the difficulties his mother 
faced, an article on nanotechnology in 
chemotherapy drug delivery piqued his 
interest, guiding his career choice to 
engineering. To further his interest in 
the field, Matthew began working as a 
Project Management Coordinator within 
the Microsystems Technology Research 
Initiative (MSTRI) in the Faculty of 
Engineering at the University of Alberta. 

Matthew spoke highly of his supervisor, 
Raymond Lemieux, for being a source of 
inspiration and a mentor. 

“Ray really went out of his way to allow 
me to draw on his extensive network of 
contacts, to build my own network of 
contacts, send me to conferences, allow 
me to develop new skills and try new 
things.” 

Ultimately, Matthew believed that to do 
anything well, it has to be motivated 
from within rather than from an external 
source to achieve excellence. 

“I remember something saying, ‘If you 
need someone to get a job done, a slave 
will do it well, a mercenary will do it 
better, and a volunteer will outshine 
them both.’ And that has stuck with me.” 

“[Winning the Students’ Union Award 
for Excellence] is a tremendous 
honour...I’m humbled because I know 


there are a lot of really good students on 
this campus who have selflessly devoted 
themselves to many worthy causes and 
pursued academic excellence and 
excellence in many areas of life, so to be 


selected for this is a great honor.” 

In the future, Matthew wants to do a 
Master’s degree, and he hopes to work in 
Alberta in the long term. 




I 







CONGRATULATIONS 

TO ALL OUR AWARD WINNERS! 


ALBERTA TREASURY BRANCHES 
VOLUNTEERISM AWARD 

■ Aly Bhatia 

■ Darren Liviniuk 

BILL SMITH STUDENT 
MENTORSHIP AWARD 

■ Kailey Buller 

■ Angela Han 

CIBC COMMUNITY 
INVESTMENT AWARD 

■ Lu Qiao 

CRISTAL MAR MEMORIAL AWARD 
Saadiq Sumar 

■ Mallory Nault 

DEAN MORTENSEN AWARD 

■ Sarah Howe 

■ Annika Palm 

DR. RANDY GREGG 
ATHLETICS AWARD 

■ Caitlin Buckell 

■ Fiona McCallum 

EDO JAPAN GLOBAL 
CITIZENSHIP AWARD 

■ Namrita Amarnani 

■ Chia Shen Sow 

■ Natasha Kedia 

■ Keita Hill 

■ Michael Schlegelmilch 

EUGENE L. BRODY AWARD 

■ Sarah Beck 

■ Peter Iglinski 

GATEWAY STUDENT JOURNALISM 
SOCIETY AWARD FOR 
OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT 
IN THE FIELD OF EXCELLENCE 

■ Steven Andersen 

■ Aaron Yeo 

HILDA WILSON MEMORIAL 
VOLUNTEER RECOGNITION AWARD 

■ Lei Liu 

■ Pearl Tan 


HOOPER-MUNROE 
ACADEMIC AWARD 

■ Matthew Li 

■ Alexandra Knebel 

JAVA JIVE MERCHANTS STUDENT 
ACHIEVEMENT AWARD 

■ Ryan Beck 
Laura Brookbanks 

■ Vanessa Johnson 

LORNE CALHOUN 
MEMORIAL AWARD 

■ Elauna Boutwell 
Stephen Lee 

ROYAL BANK FINANCIAL GROUP 
INVOLVEMENT AWARD 

Alexei Khair Mokhammad 

ROYAL BANK STUDENT 
FACULTY ASSOCIATION 
INVOLVEMENT AWARD 

■ Harry Chandler 

SOCIAL JUSTICE ACTIVISM AWARD 
Scott Fenwick 

■ Janine Hancock 

SUBWAY COMMUNITY 
SERVICE AWARD 

■ Malika Ladha 

TACO TIME OUTSTANDING 
INITIATIVE AWARD 
Lance Chung 

■ Lillian Du 

■ Jonathan (Jung-Lynn) Yang 

TEVIE MILLER 
INVOLVEMENT AWARD 

■ Alexis Young 
Dustin Chelen 

TOM LANCASTER MEMORIAL AWARD 
Steven Dollansky 
Robert Lees-Miller 

STUDENT GROUP OF THE YEAR 

■ Make Poverty History 


STUDENT GROUP 
COMMUNITY OUTREACH AWARD 
Pakistani Students’ 
Association 

■ Iranian Students’ Association 
University of Alberta 

STUDENT GROUP 
BEST EVENT AWARD 

■ Indian Students’ Association 
‘Diwali’ 

STUDENT GROUP ACADEMIC 
SERVICES EXCELLENCE AWARD 

■ Interdepartmental Science 
Students’ Society 

GREEN GURU — EXCELLENCE 
IN SUSTAINABILITY LEADERSHIP 
AWARD 

■ Arvin Abedi 

■ Stefanie Drozda 

■ Brett Hotchkiss 

SALUTE AWARD 

■ Dr. Brian Maraj 

■ Marina De Rementeria 

■ Dr. Feng Dai 

THE MAIMIE S. SIMPSON 
MEMORIAL SCHOLARSHIP 

■ Lu Qiao 

THE REGINALD CHARLES LISTER 
MEMORIAL SCHOLARSHIP 

■ Matthew Li 

■ Adam Humble 

■ Cian Hackett 

THE ALUMNI 75™ 

ANNIVERSARY SCHOLARSHIP 

■ Kevin Zuo 

THE ALUMNI ADVANTAGE AWARD 
Bethany Ostrowerka 

■ Eric C. Y. Leung 

THE TD INSURANCE MELOCHE 
MONNEX LEADERSHIP AWARD 

■ Lee Rehak 


THE HONOURABLE DR. LOIS E. HOLE 
STUDENT SPIRIT AWARD 
Leona Semenoff 

GOLD KEY AWARD RECIPIENTS 
Chelsea Bedrejo 

■ Emerson Csorba 
Steven Dollansky 

■ Angela Han 
Darren Liviniuk 
Chris Skappak 

■ Kayla Stan 

■ Craig Turner 

Jonathan (Jung-Lynn) Yang 

COCA COLA STUDENT 
ACHIEVEMENT AWARD RECIPIENTS 

■ Mandy Marie Archibald 

■ Debraj Das 

■ Rowan El-Bialy 

■ Cian Hackett 

■ Chongya Niu 

■ Mohamed Hassan Sharshar 

■ Rannie Tao 

■ Dalton Terhorst 

■ Logan Wiwchar 

■ Kevin Zuo 

students’ union 

AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE 
Matthew Dyck 









UNIVERSITY OF ALBERTA 

STUDENTS' 

UNION 











enteitainment@gateway.ualberta.ca ♦ thursday, march 31,2011 


A&E 

social 

intercourse 



Splash! 

The Official After-Party of Western Canada 
Fashion Week Spring 2011 & Silent Auction 
Fundraiser 

Friday, April 1 at 8 p.m. 

North Point on Ninth (10507-109 Street) 

$25 at Iatitude53.org 

Fashion fans of Edmonton should be aware of the 
Western Canada Fashion Week taking place from 
March 24-31, and they also know that the week isn't 
over without a well-deserved afterparty. Fulfilling 
that important task is Splash!, a Fashion Week 
party and fundraiser hosted by the contemporary 
art gallery Latitude 53. I'm thoroughly stoked about 
DJ Jaycie Jace's jams, the amazing food (clearly I'm 
a starving university student), and of course, the 
Finlandia vodka cocktails (again, I'm a university stu¬ 
dent). Oh and don't worry — the April Fool's pranks 
will be kept at a minimum. Probably. 

Alberta Ballet: Serenade 
& Vigil of Angels 

April 1 and 2 at 7:30 p.m. 

Jubilee Auditorium (11455-87 Avenue) 
$24-102 at albertaballet.com 

Ballet is the coolest thing you have never seen. 
Back in January, I went to my first ballet perfor¬ 
mance, which was danced to the sublime music 
of Chopin to commemorate 201 years since the 
legendary composer's birth. The show decidedly 
won't be my last. Alberta Ballet's two encore per¬ 
formances, Serenade and Vigil of Angels , have 
earned favourite spots of the artistic director and 
audiences alike. 

Mostly Water Live @ the Roxy! 

With guest host Mark Meer and 
live music by F&M 
Saturday, April 2 at 8 p.m. 

The Roxy Theatre (10708-124 Street) 

$21 available at the door or 
www.attheroxy.com 

I know what you might be thinking: this must be 
a water show that's got water with a little bit of 
water. That sounds understandable, but Mostly 
Water Theatre is actually a sketch comedy 
troupe, and Mostly Water Live @ the Roxy is 
a variety show they've been putting on since 
2009. Past guests have included CBC Radio's 
Peter Brown and Mayor of Edmonton Stephen 
Mandel. This Saturday's show is being hosted 
by local theatre celebrity Mark Meer, with 
music by the husband-and-wife duo F&M. If 
you liked Mostly Water's play 75 Minutes at the 
Edmonton Fringe Festival, this definitely won't 
disappoint. 

Music at Winspear presents The 
University Symphony Orchestra 

Monday, April 4 at 8 p.m. 

Winspear Centre 

(Sir Winston Churchill Square) 

$10-20 at the Winspear Box Office 

Sometimes when I walk through the Fine Arts 
building, I spot music students after their classes 
shouldering black cases of various shapes and 
sizes, and I think to myself, "I wish I could watch 
them play." Well, someone must have read 
my mind, because the University Symphony 
Orchestra is performing the world premiere of a 
piece by Colin Labadie, this year's Department of 
Music Composition winner. Along with the new 
piece, the performance will feature classic rep¬ 
ertoire by Glazunov and Brahms. After Monday, 

I trust my thoughts will read: "I wish I could watch 
them play — again." 

DULGUUN BAYASGALAN 

Social Intercourse: The Finer Things Edition 


musicpreview 

Mother Mother 

With Guests 

Thursday, March 31 at 7 p.m. 

Edmonton Event Centre (8882-170 Street) 
Sold Out 

MATT MEUSE 

Arts & Entertainment Writer 


For Mother Mother’s Ryan Guldemond, being a 
rock star is much like being an electrician. 

“In this day and age, music is becoming 
more of a trade, you know?” he continues. 
“It’s almost like a working man’s profession. In 
order to make ends meet, you’ve got to just be 
out on the road playing shows.” 

But Guldemond doesn’t see this as a wholly 
bad thing. “The stigma’s being ripped out of the 
integration of advertising and music,” he says. 
“It’s like bands are seen less as sellouts when 
they’re on a commercial for a car, and more as 
heroes in their trade for making it work and 
being diverse. So I think, yeah, on the one hand 
it sucks because it’s harder to make it work, but 
on the other, it’s like it’s forcing artists to be 
a bit more multifarious in their profession and 
less mono-dimensional.” 

And indeed, if there’s one thing Mother 
Mother isn’t, it’s mono-dimensional. Their 
music can be hard to lump into any one cat¬ 
egory, but this doesn’t bother Guldemond. 

“I just don’t really care too much about genre,” 
he says. “I mean, I have some opinions about 
what classifies as what, but in this day and age 
it’s just so promiscuous, genres. They just want 
to mingle. So it seems like everything’s borrow¬ 
ing from all sorts of pots.” 

Guldemond describes Mother Mother’s latest 
album Eureka , released earlier this month, as a 


marked shift in the band’s sound compared to 
previous outings. “We sort of ditched the whole 
chamber orchestration and folky instrumenta¬ 
tion for more of an electric synth-driven sound, 
and the drums and bass are bigger,” he says. 
“It’s just larger in every way, I think. And it’s a 
bit more playful and upbeat.” 

Guldemond himself served as the producer 
for Eureka , an aspect of making music that he’s 
discovered a knack for. 

“It was pretty awesome to be in the driver’s 
seat, making your own calls, you know?” he 
says. “It was [still] very much a council-oriented 
thing. It’s not like decisions were made without 
the whole band really confident and sure about 
the direction, so it was very team-oriented.” 


“I always kind of invent 
meaning [for songs] in 
retrospect, and it feels a little 
fraudulent sometimes, because 
I don’t care enough about the 
meaning of the songs to 
pre-ordain them before 
writing.” 

RYAN GULDEMOND 

LEAD VOCALIST, MOTHER MOTHER 


While Guldemond enjoys exploring this part 
of the creative process, he’s always eager to get 
back to work on the other side of the boards 
with Mother Mother. The process of making 
music has always been a very organic one for 
the band. 

“It doesn’t come from any place that feels 
very tangible, and there’s never really any 


emulation involved,” says Guldemond. “It’s 
just: sit down with a guitar and just wait for 
a melody to come, and then if you dig it, then 
you invest in it, and the song, over time, finishes 
itself. And then you infiltrate it with the players 
in the band, the voices, and and instrumenta¬ 
tion. Before you know it, you have a character, 
a sonic personality, and it truly feels like you 
almost had nothing to do with it.” 

Since his songs tend to arise through what 
seems like their own volition, Guldemond 
doesn’t usually put too much stake in what 
their deeper meanings might be. When asked 
about them, Guldemond often discovers things 
about how he thinks about music that he may 
not have even known about himself. 

“I always kind of invent meaning in retro¬ 
spect, and it feels a little fraudulent sometimes, 
because I don’t care enough about the meaning 
of the songs to preordain them before writing,” 
he confesses. “I’d prefer if people just found 
their own meanings. Which, you know, have 
proven to be very elastic. Because everybody’s 
different, and they just — they take things in 
differently.” 

“But you know,” he continues, “doing inter¬ 
views and having to explain the band so much, 
you’re kind of forced to derive meaning from 
your song in a backwards fashion. And I find 
that kind of fascinating and self-informa¬ 
tive, because otherwise I would just let it be; 
I wouldn’t dissect the message. But see, I’m 
forced to, so I think I might learn something 
about it and myself from doing so.” 

Between Mother Mother, a string of recent 
solo shows, and his burgeoning career as a pro¬ 
ducer, Guldemond’s aims at rock stardom seem 
to be getting closer — whatever that means. “I 
don’t know what defines ‘making it big,’ ” he 
says. “I care not to define it, actually.” 

“Judge me lightly,” he says cheekily. “I’m just 
making up all this stuff” 











20 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT 


ttiursday, march 31,2011 ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca 



V’V. 


1 


800 


6719 


OXFORD 


SEMINARS 


604 


683 


3430 


800 


269 


6719/604 


683 


3430 


oxfordseminars 


ca 


WWW 


oxfordseminars 


WWW 


ca 




t 


Teach English LSAT MCAT 
Abroad GMAT GRE 

Preparation Seminars 


TESOL/TESL Teacher Training 
Certification Courses 

• Intensive 60-Hour Program 

• Classroom Management Techniques 

• Detailed Lesson Planning 

• ESL Skills Development 

• Comprehensive Teaching Materials 

• Interactive Teaching Practicum 

• Internationally Recognized Certificate 

• Teacher Placement Service 

• Money-Back Guarantee Included 

• Thousands of Satisfied Students 


• Complete 30-Hour Seminars 

• Convenient Weekend Schedule 

• Proven Test-Taking Strategies 

• Experienced Course Instructors 

• Comprehensive Study Materials 

• Simulated Practice Exams 

• Limited Class Size 

• Free Repeat Policy 

• Personal Tutoring Available 

• Thousands of Satisfied Students 


OXFORD SEMINARS 


lit## 


- — -. Wr... 

. 




KAITLYN MENARD 


Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink 
from a fire hydrant." - MITCHELL KAPOR 

THEGATEWAYONUNE.CA 

DROWNING YOU IN KNOWLEDGE SINCE 2007 


Grand Challenges Canada 
Grands Defis Canada " 0 


READY FOR SOME 

BOLD IDEAS? 

HELP US FIND CANADA'S 
NEXT RISING STARS! 


Watch Canadian innovators 
explain their bold 
ideas for solving 
global health challenges. 


Visit www.grandchallenges.ca/bold 


An artist shrouded in secrecy 

New Studio Theatre production delves into the life and work of Gertrude Stein 


theatrepreview 


The Gertrude Stein Project 

Directed and adapted by Beau 
Coleman 

Designed by Katherine Jenkins 
Starring Spenser Payne , Peter 
Fernandes , Samantha Hill, Nicola 
Elbro, and Jamie Cavanagh 
Runs March 31-April 9 at 7:30 p.m., 
matinee performance on Thursday 
April 7 at 12:30 p.m. 

Timms Centre for the Arts (87 
Avenue and 112 Street) 

$5-20 at Tix-on-the-Square or at the 
Timms Box Office 

ALEX MIGDAL 

Arts & Entertainment Staff 

There’s an air of mystery that hangs 
over the name Gertrude Stein. It 
generates that tip-of-the-tongue feel¬ 
ing where you can’t quite figure out 
what she’s known for, despite feeling 
you’ve heard the name before. Even 
director Beau Coleman knew little of 
Stein at first when she started work 
on her latest production The Gertrude 
Stein Project. 

“It had always been sort of a curi¬ 
osity in the back of my head that, at 
some point, I would like to find out 
more about her and tackle some of her 
texts,” Coleman says. “The minute I 
started working on it, it started want¬ 
ing to go into being its own piece.” 

Stein was, in fact, numerous 
things: a writer, poet, art collector, 
and part of a circle of high-profile 
literary friends whom she famously 
deemed “the lost generation.” But 
it’s her reclusive nature that makes 
her an ideal character to explore 
on stage. Bringing Stein to life has 


been an organic process for Coleman, 
who conceived The Gertrude Stein 
Project entirely from scratch. 

“The design process [was difficult] 
in a beautiful, wonderful way,” says 
Coleman. “How do we create a space 
in which all this can occur and yet 
reflects the simplicity? It’s very, very 
different. [...] We’re creating some¬ 
thing out of nothing.” 


“Anything that comes 
in visually, movement- 
wise, image-wise, 
vocafly-wise, is 
considered text So I was 
interested in not only 
just the written and the 
spoken, but what’s the 
visual text? What’s the 
movement text? ” 

BEAU COLEMAN 

DIRECTOR, THE GERTRUDE STEIN PROJECT 


Incidentally, it was by a stroke of 
luck that Coleman stumbled upon 
the project. She studied at Yale 
under Leon Katz, who discovered 
1,500 notebooks penned by Stein. 
He reconstructed Stein’s writings by 
interviewing her longtime partner 
Alice B. Toklas over four months. By 
sharing his findings with Coleman, 
he gave her rare access inside snippets 
of Stein’s life, which came to form the 
basis of The Gertrude Stein Project. 

“What are these little fragments?” 
Coleman asks. “We can take that idea 
of the archive and these fragments 
and create a bit of a sense [that] 


we’re not getting the full picture. 
And neither did Leon — he got these 
little fragments of notes [and] we’re 
just getting these bits and pieces that 
are out of order.” 

As a result, Coleman chose to 
approach the project as a Steinian 
composition rather than a typical 
linear narrative. She also tackled the 
complexity of Stein’s abstract writ¬ 
ing by incorporating distinct visual 
motifs on stage. 

“Stein is text, right?” she says. 
“Could we work this text as an object 
itself? Could we get a sense of any¬ 
thing as seen on that space? Anything 
that comes in visually, movement- 
wise, image-wise, vocally-wise, is 
considered text. So I was interested 
in not only just the written and 
the spoken, but what’s the visual 
text? What’s the movement text?” 

“It’s choreographed a lot,” she 
continues. “The movement is central 
to the whole piece. It reads as a cross 
between theatre, dance, and spoken 
word. The motifs are through the 
creation of the choreography and, 
in some cases, the things that are 
closest aligned to the scenes.” 

While many critics have dis¬ 
missed Stein’s texts as unadaptable, 
Coleman believes that her vision truly 
reflects Stein’s experimental approach 
to theatre, providing insight into a 
woman shrouded in mystery. 

“[Stein says] the phrase ‘theatre’s 
landscape’ and that we need to look 
at plays the same way we look at a 
painting — it’s just there,” says 
Coleman. 

“You know, we might look at 
it, but it’s not looking back at us, 
and so we don’t necessarily have to 
tell [all] these stories. I think she 
would totally recognize that this is a 
landscape.” 


Follow us on: 










THE GATEWAY ♦ volume Cl number 44 _ ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT 21 

Latest Eyre adaptation s success lies in its subtleties 



filmreview 

Jane Eyre 

Directed by Cary Fukunaga 
Written by Charlotte Bronte , adapted 
by Moira Buff ini 

Starring Mia Wasikowska , Michael 
Fassbender, and Judi Dench 
Opens April 1 

CAROLE YUE 

Arts & Entertainment Writer 


Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre has been 
the literary equivalent of a tub of Ben 
and Jerrys for generations of women: 
good for combatting heartbreak and 
mood swings. However, popular¬ 
ity is a cross to bear, and Eyre has 
had to endure numerous adaptations 
in a wide range of mediums, some 
less flattering than others. Up-and- 
coming director Cary Fukunaga takes 
on the challenge of creating a standout 
among all the other interpretations of 
Bronte’s famous heroine, and comes 
away with notable success. 

An early prototype of chick lit, 
Jane Eyre chronicles the remarkable 
events in the life of the otherwise 
ordinary character of Jane Eyre (Mia 
Wasikowska). Beset by the after¬ 
effects of a wretched childhood, Jane 
presents herself as a physically unex¬ 
citing woman with an admirable 
intellect and an aggressively austere 
disposition. 

When she becomes governess to the 
wardofMr. Edward Rochester (Michael 
Fassbender), she learns that in spite of 
all her shortcomings, she’s still found 
to be attractive. In a manoeuvre that 
was considered unusually progressive 


at the time, Bronte’s story also delays 
the consummation of Eyre and Mr. 
Rochester’s romance until both par¬ 
ties have achieved some sort of gender 
equality. 

Coupled with gothic motifs, 
energetic dialogue, and a dra¬ 
matic skeleton in the closet, you 
can hardly blame the industry for 
wanting to resurrect the novel every 
few years. 


Mia Wasikowska as Eyre is self-con¬ 
tained, yet more expressive than the 
Janes in some of the novel’s previous 
film adaptations. Fukunaga employs 
Wasikowska’s dance background in 
his direction, focusing on her body 
movement as a means to express her 
silenced emotions. Previous portray¬ 
als of Jane have always been timid and 
weak-looking, whereas Wasikowska 
embodies Jane with a confidence that 


is more befitting for such a progressive 
character. 

As per usual, Hollywood finds issue 
with casting unattractive male leads in 
a romantic film, even when the role 
calls for it. But looks aside, Fassbender 
does a wonderful job of embody¬ 
ing Rochester’s idealistic yet flawed 
personality. Although his sideburns 
are slightly distracting, they aren’t 
enough to detract from Fassbender’s 


performance. 

Rochester is a difficult role to tackle, 
not just because of the idolatry that 
surrounds his character, but also 
because of his volatility. In the novel, 
Rochester is haughty and condescend¬ 
ing, and Fassbender fluidly embodies 
all aspects of the role. 

While Wasikowska and Fassbender 
have the benefit of a natural chemistry, 
the build-up of passions between the 
two lovers seems rushed at times, as 
if the destination was more important 
than the journey. One of the problems 
with adapting Jane Eyre is that much 
of the action takes place within Jane’s 
thoughts, which tends to get lost when 
you translate the script into a more 
active medium. 

Fukunaga’s Victorian universe is a 
welcome deviation, using minimalist 
lines and bright, overexposed shots to 
create a clean Puritan look. Both the 
houses and gardens are sparsely fur¬ 
nished, and open areas lend a feeling 
of spaciousness. Unlike the gloomy 
and cluttered designs of previous 
Eyre adaptations, Fukunaga achieves a 
gothic look with starkness. 

It’s also interesting to note that while 
Fukunaga has stated his intention to 
draw out the gothic horror elements 
in Jane Eyre, this is only obvious in 
the cinematic trailer. The final prod¬ 
uct belies a more romantic influence, 
but this certainly doesn’t diminish the 
overall potency of the film. 

Fukunaga proves his mettle by 
challenging the long tradition of Jane 
Eyre adaptations and producing a cin¬ 
ematic offering that does justice to the 
passionate romance between Jane and 
her master. As Jane would say: viewer, 
I liked it. 




SCHOOL OF CONSTRUCTION 




BACHELOR OF APPLIED TECHNOLOGY GEOGRAPHIC INFORMATION SYSTEMS (GIS) 

Seats are still available for September 2011. 

GIS teaches you to think spatially so you can pursue a career globally. Learn to apply 
computerized mapping combined with database technology to model and manage real-world 
problems in fields as diverse as oil and gas, forestry, agriculture, tourism and business. 

Applications are now being accepted for all programs for September 2011. 

FOR MORE INFORMATION 

PHONE: 403.284.8367 OR 

E-MAIL: CONSTRUCTION.I NF0@SAIT.CA 

APPLY TODAY sait.ca 



POLYTECH NIC 







22 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT 


thursday, march 31,2011 ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca 


Mass Choir resurrects the dance parties of the ‘90s 



musk preview 

Mass Choir 

With Cygnets and Braids 
Thursday March 31 at 8 p.m. 

The Pawn Shop (10549-82 Avenue) 
$8 at Blackbyrd oryeglive.ca 

MADELINE SMITH 

Arts & Entertainment Editor 


The summer hit emerges from an 
especially potent brand of music. 
Summer is the time when pop art¬ 
ists bring out the big guns: the most 
relentless earworms and heavi¬ 
est dance hooks that are impos¬ 
sible to escape for the entire season. 
Edmonton-based dance outfit Mass 
Choir, with one album already under 
their belt, is working on their next 
offering that’s likely to be released in 
the fall — but they know the value of 
a great summer single. 

“I’ve had one-song summers and 
I love them,” keyboardist Jay Burke 
says. 

“Was it Shaggy, ‘It Wasn’t Me’?” 
vocalist Mary Hulbert responds. 

Everyone bursts out laughing as 
Hulbert and drummer Brett Henry 
begin their own rendition of the 
chorus of the infamous ode to bad 


excuses for getting caught red- 
handed with the girl next door. 
When it’s over, they all look at each 
other expectantly, then crack up 
again while bassist Nathan Setterlund 
attempts to imitate Shaggy’s unintel¬ 
ligible singing style. 

“Nobody knows the words to that 
part,” Hulbert laughs. 

The camaraderie between the 
members of Mass Choir is obvi¬ 
ous, and although they’ve only been 
playing together in their current 
formation for slightly more than a 
year, they’re all on board with their 
vision for the kind of experience they 
believe their music should provide. 
With its full roster of six members — 
including Matthew Skopyk and Peter 
Fernandes rounding out the group’s 
vocals — Mass Choir in its entirety is 
a driving electropop force, combin¬ 
ing thick synthesizer riffs, live drums 
and bass, and powerful back-and- 
forth male/female vocals. 

“I feel that we’re bringing a dance 
party to the Edmonton scene,” Henry 
says. “We’re trying to bring back 
that kind of ‘90s feel, but at the same 
time, we’re trying to do it with a dif¬ 
ferent twist.” 

“It really might just be the genera¬ 
tion we come from,” Burke says of the 
group’s ‘9 Os-influenced aesthetics. 


“As far as when you’re first becom¬ 
ing a teenager and getting a taste for 
things — for me, anyway, that was 
the heyday of Electric Circus.” 

“That constant rhythm is almost 
hypnotizing,” Henry adds. “Even 
if you’re not totally dancing, you’re 
kind of — everybody is moving. 
That’s what it’s all about.” 

Making people move is extremely 
important for Mass Choir, and the 
band’s primary focus is putting on 
a dynamic live show. Hulbert, who 


also has a theatre background, feels 
particularly strongly about creating 
a genuine connection between both 
the band and the audience, and the 
band members themselves. 

“Where I feel it all really comes 
alive, when we’re all working 
together, is in the live set,” Hulbert 
says. “It’s a 45-minute, make-you- 
sweat power set. You better have 
stretched beforehand. But I know — 
and as flaky as this sounds — I can 
feel the energy they’re giving behind 


SUPPLI ED: MARSHALL WATSON 

me. I know that every single person 
behind me is supporting me.” 

“And if I catch, out of the corner of 
my eye, Nathan rocking out so hard 
on the bass — if I get a little drip of 
his sweat, I’m like, ‘Yeah, he’s in it,’ ” 
she continues. “There are certain little 
drum things that Brett does that I 
know he’s totally in it, and I look over 
at Jay, and I know what part he does. 
These are things you get to know. 

“It’s when we play live that the 
magic happens.” 




SCAN THIS 
TO HEAR 
ALEX'S 
STORY 


WWW.NAIT.CA/BBA 


EDUCATION FOR 
THE REAL WORLD 


"'BORN THIS WAY' 
IS ABOUT SAYING, 
THIS IS WHO I AM 
THIS IS WHO THE 
FUCK I AM.'" 

- LADY GAGA 


AN INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY COMMITTED TO STUDENT SUCCESS 
ph 780.471.6248 I www.nait.ca 






< 


O 






03 


s 




g 


in 


03 


< 




in 


O U4 


z 


o 


-G 


LU 


QJDg 


G 


03 LS 


pq 


< 


Alexandria Mah works full-time as a Revenue Canada auditor, 
plays intercollegiate soccer for the NAIT Ooks, and is pursuing 
both a degree and a CGA credential. She needed a degree 
program that delivered flexibility and results - and found 
it in NAIT's Bachelor of Business Administration. 

The BBA builds on Alexandria's previous JR Shaw 
School of Business diploma, allowing her to finish 
quickly and work toward her accounting designation 
at the same time. And the choice of full-time, 
part-time and online course options means she 
can tailor her studies to fit her busy schedule. 

Find out what NAIT's 
BBA can deliver for you. 




THE DEGREE 
THAT DELIVERS 
























sports@gateway.ualberta.ca ♦ thursday, march 31,2011 



FI LE PHOTOS: PAUL SWANSON, AMIRALI SHARIFI, ARMAND LUDICK 


Alberta teams top Gateway rankings 


MATT HIRJI 

Sports Editor 


For the third year in a row, Calgary continued 
their dominance of the Gateway rankings, our 
look at the best all around Canadian universities 
in sports. The Dinos claimed a pair of CIS cham¬ 
pionships in the swimming and qualified for the 
final showdown on the gridiron. Here’s a look at 
how varsity teams across the country faired in 
their pursuit of triumph. 



Saskatchewan 

Huskies 



(74.5 points, Previous rank: T9) 


Sneaking into this year’s Gateway rankings, the 
Prairie Dogs mounted a respectful varsity cam¬ 
paign this season. And while they certainly had 
their opportunities to gain more points, the 
Saskatchewan Huskies can be proud of their 
consistent performance in all of their athletic 
pursuits this year. 

Struggling out of the gate, the Huskies failed to 
qualify for the Canada West final tournament in 
women’s soccer. While their male counterparts 
did end up qualifying this season, it ended in 
disappointment after losing to a more agile UBC 
squad in the gold-medal match. The Gridiron 
Huskies tripped up when it mattered most as 
well, giving up a 27-point lead to the Alberta 
Golden Bears in the Canada West semifinal. It 
was a loss that eliminated their chances at claim¬ 
ing their fourth Vanier Cup in team history. 

But in the midst of a blisteringly cold winter 
on the prairies, both the men’s and women’s 
basketball teams put together a successful drive 
to the national championships. It was only after 
coming up against a pair of powerhouse Ontario 
squads that the Huskies would falter, settling for 
silver medals in the national tournaments. 



ATHLETICS 


St. Francis 
Xavier 
X-AAen/X-Women 



(85 points. Previous rank: N/A) 


This tiny school from Antigonish, N.S., stunned 
the CIS community this year. With little more 
than 4,000 students to draw from, the X-Men 
and X-Women qualified four varsity teams to 
their respective national championships, earn¬ 
ing a gold and silver medal in the process. 

The school’s lone gold medal this season came 
from the X-Women’s rugby squad, who captured 
their second national banner in team history 
after beating the Canada West champion, the 
Lethbridge Pronghorns, in a nail-biting 20—17 
victory. 

After an impressive performance this 
year, the rest of the teams in the CIS won’t be 


underestimating the little train that could any 
longer. 

Rouge Et Or ^ 

(95 points. Previous rank: 6) 

Doing it with their Speedos and shoulder pads, 
the Rouge Et Or showed their might this season, 
placing seventh in the Gateway rankings. 

Playing in a sold-out stadium filled with 16,237 
screaming hometown fans, the powerhouse 
Laval football team claimed their sixth Vanier 
Cup with a triumph over the Calgary Dinos on a 
cold afternoon in November. But what was even 
more impressive was the way that Laval won, 
dismantling the Dinos on both sides of the field 
to claim a 29—2 championship victory. 

Not to be outdone, the Rouge Et Or swim teams 
came out of the woodwork finishing strong in at 
the CIS national swim meet. The women’s team 
finished eighth overall, while the men’s squad 
wound up on the podium with a bronze medal. 

W. Ontario 

Mustangs T5 

(97 points. Previous rank: T9) 


They may not have received much attention, but 
the Western Ontario Mustangs made a strong 
charge in the CIS this year. 

While the Purple and White only claimed one 
medal in varsity sports this year — a men’s track 
and field third-place finish — the ‘Stangs were 
consistent across the board, posting a top ten 
finish in 11 varsity sports, clawing their way up 
the rankings and scraping together points wher¬ 
ever they could find them to earn a respectable 
season when it was all said and done. 






Windsor 

Lancers 



(97 points, Previous rank: 7) 


It was all about track and field for the Windsor 
Lancers this year. With a pair of first-place reg¬ 
ular season finishes and an equal number of 
gold medals at the national championships, the 
Lancers ran like the wind and swept their CIS 
opposition in a decided fashion. 

An integral part of the Track Lancers success 
this year was the coaching prowess of Dennis 
Fairall. The veteran coach has built his teams 
from the ground, leading both the squads to their 
second national championship in three years. 

But Windsor’s track team wasn’t the only 
Lancers squad that out-ran their opposition this 
year. The Blue and Gold women’s basketball 
team managed to impress as well. With a fran¬ 
tically paced offence, the Court Lancers topped 
the Ontario University Athletics division and 
emerged as champions in the CIS finals. 



UBC 

Thunderbirds ^ 

(119, Previous rank: 3) 


THUNDERBIRDS 


Although the UBC Thunderbirds have consid¬ 
ered leaving the CIS for the NCAA, they certainly 
made this year count. Racking up several national 
championship appearances and a gold medal in 
women’s volleyball, they will be remembered 
for their excellence north of the 49th parallel. 

The T’Birds started the varsity season off in 
style, winning their 13th Canada West trophy in 
men’s soccer. That team would go all the way to 
the top in the CIS national championship before 
falling to Laval in the gold medal match. 

The men’s basketball team mirrored their 
soccer counterparts, finishing first in the Canada 
West playoffs and claiming second prize in the 
national championship tournament. 

But UBC wasn’t done yet. Saving the best for 
last, the Thunderbirds dominated women’s vol¬ 
leyball this year. Finishing the regular season 
ranked first in the country, the Volley Birds 
claimed their record-setting eighth national 
title and their fourth consecutive banner. 


Guelph 

Gryphons j 

GUELPH GRYPHONS (124 points, Previous rank: 4) 

There must be something in the water in south¬ 
ern Ontario that propels young runners to light¬ 
ning fast speeds, because the Gryphons have 
been dominating their opposition for the better 
half of a decade. This season was no different for 
the Red and Gold, as both their men and wom¬ 
en’s cross-country teams stood atop the national 
podium this year. 

The Guelph squad also claimed several indi¬ 
vidual honours in the sport. A a pair of rookie of 
the year titles for both the men and women sides 
were awarded to a pair of outstanding Guelph 
athletes and men’s captain Kyle Boorsma claimed 
athlete of the year. 

But the Gryphs’ charge up the Gateway stand¬ 
ings was not solely a product of their success on 
the running trail. The Ontario team claimed 
second prize at the national swimming meet, 
and made strides in women’s rugby as well. 




Alberta 

Bears/Pandas 



(146 points. Previous rank: 3) 


The athletes of the Green and Gold improved 
on their ranking from last year, up from third 
place to second. Eight Green and Gold squads 
advanced to their respective national champion¬ 
ship tournaments and the Pandas wrestling team 
was able to overcome their inexperience to claim 
their first national championship banner in 
team history. 

All 18 varsity teams had seasons marked by 
improvement and excellence. The Gridiron Bears 
mounted an astonishing comeback to beat the 
Saskatchewan Huskies in the CanWest semifi¬ 
nals, the Pandas basketball team played through a 
plethora of injuries to qualify for the CIS regional 
championships, and the Golden Bears hockey 
team once again advanced to the CIS national 
championship tournament. And while the Puck 
Bears young roster was unable to make a dent 
against their more experienced opposition at the 
final tournament, they were certainly redeemed 
when their captain Eric Hunter claimed the Dr. 
Randy Gregg Award for most outstanding CIS 
hockey student-athlete. 

Calgary 
Dinos ^ 

(205.5 points. Previous rank: 1) 

In an astonishing display of consistency, the 
Calgary Dinos claimed the top spot in this year’s 
Gateway athletics rankings for the third straight 
year. A swimming powerhouse, the Red and 
White grabbed both the men and women’s CIS 
banners this year. But the Dinos’ swimming 
dominance didn’t stop with a pair of team 
victories. Erica Morningstar won the women’s 
swimming award, while Mike Blondal received 
the CIS swimming coach of the year award for 
both the men and women squads. 

But the Dinos’ varsity dominance extended 
outside of the water. Along with a number of 
individual awards, Calgary claimed a bronze 
medal in men’s volleyball and came just short 
of winning this year’s Vanier Cup. Solid perfor¬ 
mances in both cross-country and hockey also 
added to the Dinos’ impressive total number 
of points. 



THE NUMBERS GAME 

Wondering how each team on the list got their magic number? Here's the breakdown: a team's placing at 
nationals secured 10 points for first place, nine for second, and eight points for bronze. But we also took into 
account each team's regular season performances. Teams ranked in the top 10 nationally at the end of the 
regular season received 10 points for first place, nine points for second, and so on all the way down the list. 
Individual performance-based awards for each sport (Athlete of the Year, etc.) were awarded five points 
apiece, while merit-based awards (student-athlete of the year) were awarded three points each. All points 
for the top three winners in the seven major sports with televised finals were multiplied by 1.5. 






















24 SPORTS 


thursday, march 31,2011 ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca 




With the 2010—11 varsity season offi¬ 
cially in the books, it’s time to reflect 
on the year gone by. Fists were raised 
into the air, more than a few tears 
were shed, but this year was chock 
full of Green and Gold triumph. With 
seven months of competition to choose 
from, here is a list of our favourite var¬ 
sity memories from the 18 Bears and 
Pandas varsity teams that competed 
their hearts out this year. 

Evan Daum 

Sending the Dinos packing 

There’s nothing quite as satisfying as 
watching the Calgary Dinos ride into 
town, only to see them limp out of 
Clare Drake Arena after a thumping at 
the hands of the Bears hockey squad. 

That’s exactly what happened in this 
year’s Canada West hockey final when 
the Bears claimed their 49th confer¬ 
ence title by outscoring the Dinos 11—1 
and sweeping the team in two games. 

After a semifinal win over the 
Saskatchewan Huskies a week earlier 
in the Stampede City, Calgary entered 
the weekend feeling good about their 
chances against Alberta. But by the 
time the Canada West Final was over, 
the only thing the Dinos could think 
about was getting their hands on some 
greasy comfort food courtesy of Peter’s 
Drive-In. 


Billed as the beginning of a bigger 
and better Battle of Alberta between the 
top two teams in Canada West, it devel¬ 
oped into a one-sided affair in favour of 
the home side. 

Despite the fact the Dinos didn’t 
put up much of a fight, watching the 
Bears score at will in the Saturday night 
game, along with some hand-shaking 
shenanigans after the contest, made 
the Bears Canada West final series my 
favourite moment from the 2010-11 
CIS season. 

Alexandria Eldridge 
Gridiron Bears comeback 

My favourite moment from this year’s 
varsity season is from a game I wasn’t 
even attending. 

I was watching a disappointing 
Pandas playoff soccer game at Foote 
Field in early November. The Pandas, 
who were favoured to win the 2010 
Canada West title, were losing to the 
UBC Thunderbirds in the semifinals. 

But during half-time, we got some 
good news for U of A Athletics. The 
Golden Bears football team was in 
Saskatoon that weekend to play in the 
Canada West semifinals. After a disap¬ 
pointing regular season, nobody was 
expecting the Bears to advance much 
further and their performance during 
the early part of the game aligned with 
everyone’s expectations. At the end of 
the third quarter, they were trailing 
30-10. 

But through sheer determination, 
the Gridiron Bears clawed their way 
through and mounted at 21-point 
comeback in the fourth quarter to win 
the game against the Saskatchewan 
Huskies. It was the Bears’ most 


meaningful victory in a fairly lacklustre 
season. 

The win allowed the Green and Gold 
to advance to the Canada West finals 
against the Calgary Dinos. Although 
they didn’t perform quite as well on 
the turf the following weekend, falling 
to their Alberta rivals, their stunning 
upset against the Huskies was a great 
moment. I just wish I could’ve been 
in Saskatoon to witness Jerry Friesen’s 
final victory as Bears head coach 
firsthand. 

MattHirji 
A last-second shot 

With less than a second on the clock 
in a pivotal mid-season match against 
the top-ranked UBC Thunderbirds, 
second-year Alberta forward Todd 
Bergen-Henengouwen made a play that 
left every Bears basketball fan inside the 
Main Gym that night on their feet. 

The game between the Bears and 
T’Birds was knotted at 86 when 
Bergen—Henengouwen’s room¬ 

mate Jordan Baker missed a 15-foot 
shot from the right side of the 
court. But, sensing his opportu¬ 
nity to clean up the rebound, the 
Picture Butte native charged down 
the left side of the key, leaped into 
the air, and redirected Baker’s shot 
through the mesh to claim the game 
winning basket and take a game away 
from their Canada West rivals. 

Bergen—Henengouwen’s heroics 
ultimately provided the Green and 
Gold the opportunity to host a play¬ 
off series and qualify for their first 
Canada West championship in three 
years. But the young Bears forward 
will likely never forget when the 


Main Gym erupted in cheer for him. 

Max Lutz 


Justin Bell 
A team effort 


Pandas become golden 

This year was not as successful for the 
University of Alberta varsity sports 
teams as in year’s past. Several of the 
Green and Gold varsity teams that 
had their eye on the ultimate prize 
were unable to grasp onto the glory in 
the end. 

However, there were some excep¬ 
tions, and the Pandas wrestling team 
tops them all. They got to experi¬ 
ence the sweet taste of a CIS national 
championship for the first time in 
their 13-year history. 

Entering the tournament as a 
young, relatively inexperienced 
squad, there were plenty of questions 
about how the Pandas would handle 
the pressure of the national stage. But 
the Pandas persevered, fending off 
the top-ranked University of Calgary 


It was a tough Christmas break for the 
Puck Pandas. The squad played a couple 
of exhibition games against a pair of 
lesser teams and only came away 
with a single victory. And while the 
games meant nothing, it seemed to 
shake them. 

After returning to regular season 
action, suddenly, the squad’s top 
scorers couldn’t find the back of the 
net. Captain Leah Copeland didn’t pot 
a goal for the first six games. 

But the Pandas were unfazed. Despite 
their top line’s scoring drought, goals 
started coming from the most unlikely 
places, and everybody pitched in to 
produce the Green and Gold’s trade¬ 
mark offensive firepower, outscoring 
their opponents 45—8 in the second 
half of the season. 

It’s unfortunate they weren’t rewarded 
with another national banner, but it was 




Dinos by a two-point ^ 
margin to claim the ^ 

top team title. 

As is the case £ 
in any national XC 
victory, leader- 
ship must be key. |HL 
Pandas bench boss 
OwenDawkins 

provided just L m /V tVJpCTj 
that, receiving I l//A\ IMI I I" 
the CIS female J 
wrestling 
coach of the 

year award for his efforts. Dawkins was 
able to reel in his young, nervous play¬ 
ers and get them focused on the task at 
hand, propelling them to a phenomenal 
performance across the board. 


good to see a team come together 
and put together a string of vic¬ 
tories without having to rely on 
k a single star to carry them all. 
Jm It’s what university athletics 
■ should be about. 


z 








THIS PAINTING IS NOT FUNNY. 


SERIOUSLY, THERE'S NOT EVEN A SPEECH BALLOON 
OR A CAPTION SAYING "WHOOPS, THERE GOES 
KRAKATOA!" IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER 
THAN THIS NO-TALENT CLOWN, VOLUNTEER FOR 
GATEWAY COMICS & ILLUSTRATION AND SHOW HIM 

HOW COMEDY IS DONE. 


Graduating 

this semester? 


Ik, 


T » 


X 


V. 


1' 


Did you know there are 
programs to help you if 
you had student loans? 

Come find out about the Repayment 
Assistance Program & what happens 
when you enter repayment. 




v 


\ ' 


% 





i 


M 


■ .-V \ 


f. 

\ 

i WjY * " 

\ V- 

,;■> ■ •< \ 

■ 4. V- 

, L 


X 






4 4 • 9 


-"B 




GATEWAY COMICS/ILLUSTRATIONS 

Calling out the expressionist masters since 1910 


Illustration meetings are Wednesdays at 5:30 on the third floor of SUB. 
Comics (10" wide by 2" tall, 300 dpi) may be emailed to 
production@gateway.ualberta.ca 



Student Financial Aid 
Information Centre 


HOURS SEPT - APRIL 

Mon, Wed - Fri 
8:30AM-4:30PM 

Tuesdays 

8:30AM-6:00PM 

HOURS MAY - AUG 

Mon - Fri 
8:00AM-4:00PM 













I ARGYLL AND 99 ST. I 780.702.2582 I UNIONHALL.CA 


FILE PHOTOS:MATT HI RJI, AARON YEO, PETER HOLMES, ARM AND LUDICK 


A PHOTO FINISH The Bears and Pandas varsity teams completed their seasons this weekend when the Golden Bears finished their charge to the University Cup this past weekend. But the Puck Bears 
weren't the only team to qualify for their respective national championship tournaments. In total, 19 out of the 25 teams on campus qualified for the big dance and the women's wrestling team claimed their 
first national championship — extending the Bears' and Pandas' record of winning at least one national championship every year to 18 years. "Obviously, that's a record to be envied by most of our competi¬ 
tors for sure," Acting Director of Athletics Vang loannides said. "We continue to compete on an elite level in just about every single sport. We're pretty happy about that." Now it's on to training for next 
season. The Gateway wishes all of the 600 student-athletes on campus best of luck in all their future endeavours. 


ALL STUDEL/VT SHUTTLES r^nrM‘r\3 Lor th/5 


GET TN FR LL 

just show your VIP CARD. STUDENT CARD, or 
RLSTAURA/VT/BARI/VDUSTR PAY STUB , 


W LB c/jearworrrvcoi^ TWXTTER twitter.cor^/c/jearworr^ F/KCLBOOK ^-acebookcon/ELarwom 


L, i 


H 

u 


y 























































thursday, march 31,2011 ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca 


26 comics 


ID & EGO by Lauren Alston 



Sony, t didn't wean to wake 
vjodfeel gijty /_ 




'm 





SEXY GEEK by Ross Lockwood 




I know, I'm sonny Pon being such 3 downen 
lately... It's just not the same without hen. 


In situations like this, you've got to look Ponwand. 
Something betten will come along soon. 




mm 





Thanks man, you always know 
what to say to cheen me up. 



he plus side, the technician said the spane 
ts would only take two weeks to ship, so 
e'll be back up and nunning in no time. 




& 



MUNICIPAL HAPPENINGS by Bill Benson 


.11 

VlRtTENl + WS&XEfy l 

i F wcjk 



HEY,I “BET You're 
wonderin'; 1 who 
i&thisgoy avid 

HE POING 

Xkj W CO^DAW.?” 

ll— J ( ’ll., 


WEUl,GdoD 
fedEXTloiJ ! I’M 
Doing aSoswey 

ON HOW ElDCRLY 

&»-k$ react II 1 1 

To ScAKY (. 
Voo 

OK THEM..', j— 


rpYooTHiuVcrteru 

^wr cop80a.ro \ajA& 
FONN^AAUGH’TUCT's 

choice 'a'. Sot xf 

Xt CftOSEO A heart 

attack, ?icx‘ s', 

IXlNGoN \^- 
TWefUJO* 

LIKE THAT. P 


^OIGOESSX 

Should put Ybo 

Oo\*)N For ’6' 

THEN? 

You r i 

o hP. I I 


METALEETO by Ross Vincent 


LAST TlttE, OUR HERO EVADED 1HE EVIL 
HURjnONGERE... S~~ “ 


Thz's hiding . 

Lin here- spread out, boys -JSt 


f 



Y\e^ Heh don't worry c\i «•?. Tfl i fvmd 
Wnr\fif5t. 3ust\isten out for the 
WooJroxfcHing 


OH lioOOORRRONJS, yoUR TICKLE- 
FRIEND IS HAVING SOME T^OOUBLE/ 








you want a Piece of me, stretch? 


Hey, Porkbutt, i'n irving-A 
^ TP GET YOUR ATT E NTION.^ 


...WELL HERE X V J 

An,you boneless) 

^ weirdo.,. ^>0 


COhE GET 
GOME. 



He. y, yviy fist hit Something 
other than vny intended/'?" 

target. /~’ Ss SL ft] 


Cbok , youre just sti ckLnL 
•for ex. -tick Im' / 




OHContoH, > 
THAT'S WOT EVEN 

AAJ expression/ 


m 


m 




!vyc*I 


m 


fsjice 5 0,n 3j Havnfist/ I'm sodKed 
in "trace cxvnounts of copper/ #- 


I'm |ikeafl^T \ . 
wietal circle,Wete'Jff 


hWr«B 


Wd't, wWf Aid X 

Just Say ? 


rybuVe a vneta\ drc-le now, like. Ihetkiv^ 
kc- controls with kis power. Vhot of it ? 


Thais not 
vny name.. 


HOW ABOUT THAT... 


vl 


..ALMOST LIKE L 
PLANNED IT,.. 


/ M J U 


L=*9*# 


TL/O 004V... 


3Sk 


























THE GATEWAY ♦ volume Cl number 44 


CLASSIFIEDS 27 


crossword 



Puzzle provided by 

47. Attractive 

18. Mother of Ares 

BestCrosswords.com 

49. Large burrowing African 

19. Posessing 

Used with permission. 

mammal 

24. An acrostic 


51. Small branch 

26. As below 

Across 

53.100 square meters 

27. Slough 


54. Room at the top 

28. Western 

1. Not much 

57. Actress Peeples 

29. Component of organic 

5. Tears 

59. Angry 

fertilizer 

10. Calamitous 

63. Swollen nodes 

30. Coop group 

14. Ornamental fabric 

66. Asian sea 

32. Hotelier Helmsley 

15. Influence 

67. Corrodes 

33. Bird that gets you down 

16. Part of Q.E.D. 

68. Native Canadian 

34. Move stealthily 

17. Eye doctor 

69. Nada 

37. Currency of Turkey, and 

20. First name in cosmetics 

70. Doles (out) 

formerly of Italy 

21. Direct a gun 

71. Makes brown 

40. Disengage 

22. Chinese martial arts 


45. Least difficult 

23. Madrid Mrs. 

Down 

46. Perform in an exagger¬ 

25. People and places, e.g. 


ated manner 

27. Narrow braid 

1. Burn soother 

48. Three-bagger 

31. Names 

2. Knocks lightly 

50. Faucet problem 

35. Bloody conflicts 

3. Zwei cubed 

52. Excessive 

36. Land, as a fish 

4. Flates intensely 

54. King of comedy 

38. German article 

5. Nipper's co. 

55. Neophyte 

39. Loss leader? 

6. First name in jazz 

56. Counterfeiter catcher 

40. Put on 

7. Candidate 

58. Chip in 

41. Gerund maker 

8. Cathedral 

60. Gillette brand 

42. Form of poem, often used 

9. Letters on a Cardinal's cap 

61. At that time 

to praise something 

10. Taste carefully 

62. Baby blues 

43. Bumped into 

11. Coloured part of the eye 

64. Chair part 

44. Place in bondage 

12. Impetuous 

65. CIA forerunner 

46. Draft classification 

13. Famous last words 



CLASSIFIEDS 

To place a classified ad, please go 
to www.gatewayclassifieds.ca 

EMPLOYMENT - PART TIME 

Door to door marketing positions available; 
great money, Flexible schedule; $15/hr + 
$15 bonus per lead, Color Shift Painting; 


780-716-0985. _ 

EMPLOYMENT - FULL TIME 

Great summer job, Local painting 
company needs full time painters for 
summer season - interior and exterior 
projects, $15/hr starting. Will provide 
all training, Call Color Shift Painting for 
details: 780-716-0985. 


13 REASONS WHY I AM 
BETTER THAN YOU 

1.1 gots me some wicked lightsaber skills. 

2, I know how to make my own green onion 
cakes (it's just flour, water, and green onions, 
people!) 

3.1 ran as a slate for all six council positions in 
my own faculty. Which faculty? The Faculty 


of SUPAStars, 

4, I advocate social justice and humble 
my enemies simply by calling them 
"barbarians." 

5, My dick is made of chocolate. 

6, I'm the first person in history to do the 
Stone-Cold Stunner on the Pope, 

7.1 make wise investments — potassium and 
tacos are bullish right now, 


8. I totally got the highest score in Fruit 
Ninja. 

9.1 have my own gender — I'm a sman, 

10. Remember the "dramatic prairie dog?" 
He was looking at me. Bah-bah-BUMMM! 

11.1 invented a time machine, I call it a clock, 
12, The answer to 65 Across is "OSS," 

13.1 end my lists on unlucky 13. Be afraid! 



On tap for thee 


6.25 


DISCOVER CANADA'S PUB 
















28 ADVERTISEMENT 


thursday, march 31,2011 ♦ www.thegatewayonline.ca 



♦ PINT 


LONG! 


NH: 10125 - 109 STREET // 0FF WHYTE: 8032 - 

YOUR FRIENDS AT THE PINT REMIND YOU TO DRINK RESPONSIBLY