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qR741.58 Smi Local Hist 

Smith, Sidney, 

The Yankee boodle army. 
#03838220 , . 






Published in the Toledo News-Bee 
During the 1907 Campaign 

Reprint 1928 
The McManus-Troup Co. 
Toledo, Ohio 

On Guard 

Trying Moments for the Candidates 

The four Republican candidates await with great anxiety the count of the votes to determine which of 
the four is the prettiest. 

Ready for the Review 

The winner of the beauty contest, having been promoted 
ready to review the army on Monday. 

to a generalship by General Spitzer, is now 

General Bartley Re 

Gen. Bartley reviews Gen. Spitzer and the army that won the beauty contest for him and nominated him fc 

iewing the Army 

mayor. Tomorrow Sidney Smith, the News-Bee war artist on the spot will show the army in action. 

The Army in Action 

Gen. Spitzer, coached by Field Marshall Brown, outline the plan of battle to his captains. Capt. Brady s 
reform cadets are making a loud and noisy attack on Fort Booze to draw the enemy’s attention that way. 
In the meantime the Big Con, Gas Merger and machine cadets are sneaking upon Ft. Council, and then on 
Fort Franchise. Gen. Bartley is engaged in deep thought in army headquarters. Tomorrow War Artist 
Sidney Smith will picture "Consternation in the Camp.” 

The Council of War 

{By Our Special War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

BATTLEFIELD OF BUNKO, Oct. 3, 1907.—’Twas a dark and stormy night when the Council of War 
convened. The air was balmy and the bright moon got full, shining down on Ft. Booze. Col. Pilliod slid 
down the rope of his war balloon, the picture of dejection. He feared that with Capt. Brady gone, the attack 
on Fort Booze might fail. Sergeant Bill Robison suggested that Gen. Spitzer dig down in the war chest and 
buy Brady that automobile. It was the unanimous opinion of the council that the fierce attack on Ft. Booze 
must be kept up, and that something must be done. Finally Capt. Brown, who had retired to one side to do 
some heavy thinking, came into the center of the council and exclaimed in guttural tones: "Eureka—I have 
it. We will call on volunteers from the Toledo Club to rally ’round the flag and make a desperate charge on 
Ft. Tenderloin.” Immediately all the generals jumped to their feet and in a joyous concert exclaimed: "O, 
goody!” And Gen. Bartley was heard to exclaim within his silent tent: "O Chili Sauce! How charming!” 


"The rectory now boasts quite a menagerie, to-wit: An alligator, two turtles and a guinea pig. The owner of the guinea- 
pig, being unable to determine the sex thereof, has christened it Alfred-Ophelia, so as to be provided for all contingencies 
whether it turns out male or female. Having read Ellis Parker Butler’s ’Pigs Is Pigs,’ he is hoping for a large crop of guinea- 
pigs, which he expects to sell at large profits. Meanwhile I have discovered why they call the animal a pig. It has eaten 
everything it has come in contact with except the wire screen over its box.”—From the writings of Rev. Cyrus Townsend 
Brady in the Toledo Churchman, organ of Trinity Episcopal church. 


The Volunteers 

^By Our Special War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

BATTLEFIELD OF BUNKO, Oct. 4, 1907.—Great joy in camp. Splendid response to Gen. Spitzer’s 
call for volunteers from Toledo Club. Volunteers under gallant Capt. Fuller received with open arms and 
canteen. Capt. Jim Robison ordered forty rounds of cigarettes for each volunteer from commissary depart¬ 
ment. Canteens ordered filled with Extra Dry. Gen. Spitzer ordered Capt. Fuller to train the heavy Reform 
artillery on Ft. Tenderloin, the volunteers to sneak up on the fort under cover of the artillery. In the meantime 
Lieut. Eckert is to gallop off* and make a midnight sneak on Ft. Council. Capt. Brown is busy inside the tent 
writing letters for Gen. Bartley to sign. Firing expected tomorrow. Scouts have been sent out to locate 
Ft. Tenderloin for fear the volunteers can’t find it. 

Charge of the Four Hundred 

fBy Our Special War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

BATTLEFIELD OF BUNKO, Oct. 5, 1907.—We are on the ragged edge of Great Doings. The gallant 
Volunteers are sneaking up the hill toward Ft. Tenderloin under cover of the heavy artillery. Some of the 
Volunteers are armed with rapid fire fans, others with double-barreled parasols, and still others with cute 
little canes. Bones is hurrying to the front with refreshments, and Lieut. Eckert is hurrying with important 
dispatches to Scout O'Dwyer, who is making a rear attack on Ft. Council. The general and staff are holding 
their breath as the big gun is about to go off. It is feared there is a spy in camp, as one private was over¬ 
heard to remark that it looked like a fight of Champagne against Beer. Watch for important bulletins. 

Army is in Consternation 

Volunteers Disappear—Bad News from Captain O’Dwyer 

BATTLEFIELD OF BUNKO, Oct. 7, 1907.—Bad news. Just when victory seemed in sight, the heavy 
artillery exploded with a loud noise. None killed, although Capt. Fuller was blown into a tall tree. The 
fence around Ft. Tenderloin was shattered. No damage to the fort itself. The menagerie coop was de¬ 
stroyed but Alfred-Ophelia, the alligator and the two turtles were saved. The worst feature of the catastrophe 
is that the Volunteers have disappeared. The entire army is searching for them—even the general staff. 
As no bodies were found on the battlefield, the Volunteers are reported missing. The search continues. 
May send for bloodhounds. 

BULLETIN—Capt. O’Dwyer of the Sappers and Miners, just reported that his flank attack on Ft. 
Council had resulted in defeat with heavy loss of dead and wounded. There was a hurried council of war, 
and it was decided to make a change of base at once and move around on the other side of Ft. Council. 

The Army Changes Base 

{By Our Special War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

WITH THE ARMY, Oct. 8, 1907.—Gen. Spitzer was much put out over the disastrous failure of Capt. 
O’Dwyer’s fierce attack on Ft. Council. It indicated that Gen. Public, in command of the defense of Ft. Coun¬ 
cil, was onto Gen. Spitzer’s army curves. Hence the decision to change base. The army is on the move today. 
Had much trouble finding Ten Mile Creek. A terrible mistake was almost made. The Army moved in 
such a big hurry that nobody thought to bring Gen. Bartley along. But his loud cries for help were heard, 
and an orderly was sent back to get him. 

The plan now is to move the army around behind Ft. Council and make a terrific assault with the 
heavy artillery on the city of Toledo. Gen. Spitzer is determined. He was heard to grit his teeth today 
and use unparliamentary language toward his dapple gray war steed. It is expected that the Knocker’s 
Battery of the heavy artillery will turn loose on Toledo the moment the army is in position. Great battle 
expected tomorrow. 

The Assault on Toledo 

{By Our Special War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

BATTLEFIELD OF KNOCKERS’ GAP, Oct. 9, 1907.—After successfully fording Ten Mile Creek, 
General Spitzer led his Army into position in the rear of Ft. Council. The Knockers’ Batterly immediately 
opened fire with heavy guns on the City of Toledo, using heavy cannonballs of smokeless mud. The idea 
was that this attack on Toledo would divert attention from Ft. Council, and in the meantime the Big Con 
Cadets under Brown and O’Dwyer are sneaking up toward Ft. Council. General Spitzer had his picture 
took today on his dapple grey war steed. Some of our "best” citizens were on hand to admire the scenery. 

P. S.—Alfred-Ophelia was very rude today and got a severe spanking. 

A Night Scene in Camp 

^By Our Special War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

BATTLEFIELD OF KNOCKERS' GAP, Oct. 10, 1907.—The army is resting tonight after the fierce 
assault on Toledo. Gen. Spitzer is engaged in domestic pursuits, having read somewhere that "the hand 
that rocks the cradle rules the world." The camp was thrown into a deep gloom on receipt of a message 
telling of the sad and untimely death of Capt. Cy. Brady's Alfred-Ophelia. It is expected that there will 
be something fierce doing as soon as Gen. Spitzer gets rested. 

A Midnight Attack 

{By Our Special War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

BATTLEFIELD OF KNOCKERS’ GAP, Oct. 11, 1907.—Bad news again. Under cover of night the 
Sappers and Miners, under Captains Brown and O Dwyer, were undermining Ft. Council, when suddenly 
from the ramparts of Toledo a searchlight was turned on the scene that exposed the midnight attack. Then, 
again, was there consternation in the Army. At a council of officers it was decided that bad marksmanship 
is to blame for the repeated failures of the Army to hit the enemy. Also rotten ammunition. It was decided, 
therefore, to devote tomorrow to target practice in the hope that the Big Con Cadets will shoot straighter 
in the future. 

Target Practice in Camp 

{By Our Special War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

BATTLEFIELD OF KNOCKERS’ GAP, Oct. 12, 1907.—Great day in camp. Entire Army at target 
practice. A picture of Mayor Whitlock was used as a target, and everybody shot at it. Unfortunately nobody 
could hit it, but much damage was done to Toledo. Most of the guns and some of the gunners appeared 
to be crooked. The general made a serious mistake. He aimed at Whitlock and hit Napoleon Jim’s balloon. 
The Army will rest over Sunday—it being a closed camp. Great doings expected Monday. 

An Important Capture 

^By Our Special War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

BATTLEFIELD OF KNOCKERS'GAP, Oct. 14, 1907.—Great Joy in camp today. The Army has made 
an important capture. It appears that Capts. Brown and O'Dwyer were out on scout duty. They 
discovered a strange figure jumping back and forth over the line dividing the two armies. The figure emitted 
strange sounds, supposed to be the words of some dead language. It sounds like Eeny-Meeney-Miney-Mo, 
and was translated by Capt. Brown to mean that the figure was trying to determine by some mysterious 
formula which side of the line to stay on. By a bold rush the two brave captains grabbed the figure just as 
it lit on the Army's side of the line and brought it into camp. There was great joy when Gen. Spitzer and 
staff discovered that the strange figure was Corporal John Henry Speilbusch, an officer in the army of the 
enemy. The general was greatly pleased. He has been reading ancient history lately and is about to make 
an important strategical move to capture Fort Council. There will be doings tomorrow. Still silent in the 

Gen. Spitzer Erects a Wooden Horse 

{By Our Special Wireless War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

HEIGHTS OF BIG CON, Oct. 15, 1907.—The Army has taken up its position at this point, near Ft. 
Council. There is an air of confidence among the generals. Our gallant leader, Gen. Spitzer, made a great 
discovery. While reading ancient history in the news columns of the Blade, he learned about the Tojan war. 
He was filled with great joy, and, calling his faithful followers about him, delivered himself of the following 
wise words: 

"Fellow Heroes: Once upon a time a Trojan guy named Paris, who copped out a Greek fairy named 
Helen and planted her in the Trojan city of Troy. 'I guess it was somewhere down the C., H. & D. Anyhow, 
the Greeks didn’t like it and went after Helen, who among other things happened to be the King’s wife. 
Be that as it may, they decided to lay siege to Troy; and they seiged the old town for ten long years. They 
knocked, but the gates of the city were not opened up to them. Finally they erected a great wooden horse. 
It was erected of wooden wood, because the days of concrete and steel construction were unknown. That 
was before I invented the Spitzer and the Nicholas. The Greek troops retired, making a bluff as if they had 
skidooed. Then the old wooden horse got into Troy, and at night the soldiers inside the horse sneaked out, 
captured the city and then made a cleaning. Now, I propose that we erect a wooden horse, play the franchise 
is Helen, pull the army back as a bluff, get horsey inside and then clean up and rescue Helen.’’ 

There were loud cries of "Long Live Spitzer,’’ etc. Donations were called for to erect the horse. And 
soon it was built. Gen. Spitzer is now filling the horse with his soldiers and making ready to get him into 
Ft. Council. It is expected that Helen, the fair franchise will be rescued in a jiffy, as the army isn’t much 
used to seiging and doesn’t want to seige for ten long years. Our war shows today the beautiful wooden 
horse. He has been named "Business.’’ Gen. Spitzer calls him "Biz.’’ for short. The general is a joky sort 
of a cuss. Most great men are. Heavy silence is still heard in the tent. 

A Tragic Situation 

{By Our Wireless War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

BEFORE FT. COUNCIL, Oct. 16, 1907.—’Tis a tragic situation. The air is hushed. The Army speaks 
in hoarse whispers. Gen. Spitzer is disguised and wears pillows on his feet so the enemy can’t hear him. He 
has great trouble, however, controlling his nasal exhaust. The Trojan horsey is nearing the gates of Ft. 
Council. All is quiet within. Brown, Cohn, Nauts, Baird, et al., are holding their breath inside Horsey. 
Horsey will be left just outside the gates and the Army will make a sneak as if abandoning the seige. It is 
expected then that the Trojans will pull Horsey inside. Then the Big Con warriors will climb out of Horsey 
at dead of night, massacre the defenders, open the gates, swipe Fair Helen, the Franchise—and the war will 
be over. I expect to wireless the News-Bee tomorrow of the splendid success of Gen. Spitzer’s strategy and 
the ending of the war. Looks good now, anyhow, Be prepared for an extra. 


Horsey Bolts and Runs Away 

{By Our Wireless War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

BEFORE FT. COUNCIL, Oct. 17, 1907.—Bad news again. And just when a glorious victory seemed in 
sight. Just as our gallant general and his Greek Army reached the gates of Troy, a terrible thing happened. 
Horsey’s trolley platform ran into Sid Smith’s Goat who was riding in old 348 on the Huron-Soutn line. 
Horsey jumped his Big Con platform and bolted, scattering his human insides right and left. Gen. Spitzer 
ordered somebody to put salt on his tail, but none of the officers had a salt cellar about his person and Horsey 
escaped. The Army is vexed and think it was real naughty of Horsey to spoil our gallant general’s game of 
strategy. Gen. Spitzer was angrified but not dismayed. He gritted his store teeth regardless of the fact that 
the cost of living and store teeth is going higher, and determined upon a savage onslaught on the enemy 
tomorrow even if it means a hand-to-hand, collar-and-elbow, catch-as-catch-can scrap. Look out for stirring 
news from the front tomorrow. I expect a bloody battle. The Army is dangerously vexed. 

A Terrific Battle 

{By Our Wireless War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

BATTLEFIELD OF THE BIG CON, Oct. 18, 1907.—There was a terrific battle today and Gen. Spitzer’s 
army won a glorious victory. Every last one of the enemy was killed and wounded, yet not a soldier in 
Spitzer’s army got even a scratch. It was an inspiring sight to see Gen. Spitzer’s brave boys risk their lives 
for a franchise. But they feared no foe, and every soldier did his duty. It was a hand-to-hand fight, and even 
our gallant general engaged in the melee. War Artist Smith has pictured the general and his army knocking 
the everlasting daylights, to say nothing of the stuffing, out of the enemy, which were arranged by Gen. 
Spitzer for the occasion. It is believed that the enemy is very dead now, and that the army can again tackle 
Ft. Council. The general shows signs of deep thought, while the army is resting. It is expected some new 
stroke of military genius is about to strike. Watch for startling news any minute. Gen. Bartley shows an 
inclination to come out of the tent and look at the scenery. 

Fun in the Army Camp 

/Trom Our Wireless Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

AT THE FRONT WITH THE ARMY, Oct. 19, 1907.—Gen. Spitzer was so tickled to death over the 
glorious victory of the Army over the enemy yesterday, that he concluded to give our brave boys a rest. It 
has been a strenuous campaign and many of our brave boys showed signs of being very tired. So they enjoyed 
a day’s sport. A stranger strolled into camp and our brave boys favorite pastimes tossed him in the blanket. 
This is among soldiers. Gen. Spitzer enjoyed the sport too. He gazed on while he was thinking out 
the next move to make on Ft. Council. A mysterious stranger has been noticed in camp. When asked his 
name all he would say was "We.” The boys thought maybe it was one of the general’s Paris friends. 

The Navy About to Attack 

{By Wireless From Our Wireless War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

ON BOARD THE FLAGSHIP, Oct. 21, 1907.—Gen. Spitzer finally thought it out. He had an in¬ 
spiration. All land assaults on Ft. Council having failed, Our Gallant General decided to call out the navy, 
sneak up the Maumee river when nobody was looking, and capture the enemy at one fell swoop. The army 
was taken aboard transports at the Casino landing, and taken to the fleet, which lay in the offing. The staff 
took to water like a duck, or a Big Con bond. The Mysterious "We” gazed fondly at the rippling waves, 
and wondered why all that water couldn’t be pumped into Big Con stock. The flagship is now on its way 
up the river. Plenty of ammunition was found aboard the good ship Mud-Scow. It is planned to send a few 
torpedoes up under the city through the sewers to blow up the outskirts where the dinner pail brigade live. 
Then a fusilade of mud will be hurled at the front of the city, unless Gen. Spitzer changes his mind and his 
candidate. The General is now an admiral, and all the candidates have to say "Ay, Ay, Sir.” to him when 
they salute. Orders have been given not to hit the Big Con power house. 

Savage Attack by the Navy 

{By Wireless From Our Wireless War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

UP IN A BALLOON, Oct. 22, 1907.—I witnessed the historic naval attack on Toledo today from Jim 
Pilliod’s balloon. The draught is fine up here. Also the bottled. Gen. Spitzer sneaked his fleet up the 
placid Maumee and took position right off the city. He quickly opened fire with his heavy mud batteries 
and raised the very old dickens. Some of the staff couldn’t keep their eyes off the water. It looked mighty 
good to some of them, especially The Mysterious "We.” Gen. Spitzer put Capt. O’Dwyer at the helm today 
in order to infuse courage into O’Dwyer’s marines. They are to be put on the firing line now, with Brown’s 
cadets coming up in the rear as reserves. The attack wasn’t very successful. It appears there was too much 
water in the mud, and it squirted and scattered. Gen. Spitzer was very much disappointed with the navy 
and retired to his cabin to read more history. A new historical stunt will probably be pulled off tomorrow. 
Some of the sailors wanted to throw John Henry overboard as a Jonah, but Sid Smith’s goat said that if there 
was any whales in the Maumee they never had done anything to the Army that would warrant handing them 
such a mess as that. So John Henry was saved. 

Spitzer—The Modern Joshua 

{By Our Wireless Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

UP IN A BALLOON, Oct. 23, 1907.—Great doings. Our Gallant General got to reading history again, 
and while reading the Sixth chapter of Joshua, fell upon a great idea. Calling his Army together, the brave 
general said: 

"Fellow Heroes: I find that several years ago a warrior named Joshua, whose last name is not given in 
the city directory, captured the walled city of Jericho in a most peculiar manner. He marched around Jericho 
seven times blowing trumpets, and on the seventh day at one blast from the ram’s horn the city’s walls fell 
to the ground, and Joshua and his army marched in and utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man 
and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword. Now, fellow heroes, 
if Joshua could do that in his day and generation, why not we? Therefore we will march around the walled 
city of Toledo seven times. On the seventh day I will blow one awful blast on my ram’s horn, the Army will 
shout aloud, and perhaps the walls will tumble down, and we will march in and gather up the silver and 
the gold, and the vessels of brass and of iron. Personally I don’t see why a cornet or flute won’t do, as well 
as a ram’s horn, but we will stick to historic details and use the ram’s horn.” 

Thereupon the Army shouted with glad acclaim. It is expected now that the walled city will be captured 
quickly. The Army is now marching around the city, Our Gallant General and his aides blowing to beat 
the band. I expect to report progress tomorrow. 

Another Dismal Failure 

{By Our Wireless War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

UP IN A BALLOON, Oct. 24, 1907.—Tough Luck. History didn't repeat. The Army blew its head 
off on the rams horns and got out of wind, but the walls didn’t fall. And our gallant general led the Army 
around seven times according to the rules. Mister Bartley is worrying the staff. The Mysterious "We” 
has been encouraging him to sneak out of the tent and make a noise like a candidate. He is developing 
into a whole chorus. Walks in his sleep and is beginning to talk about the franchise. He believes in giving 
everybody what they want, including The Mysterious "We,” the Big Con, the Army and the people. Sounds 
of a typewriter can be heard within the tent. Our general has planned a new scheme for capturing the city. 
The enemy is to be lured out. Watch for developments and hourly bulletins on Bartley’s change of front 
and rear. 

Preparing for the Whirlwind 


fBy Our Whirlwind Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

WITH THE ARMY, Oct. 26, 1907.—I regret to report that the magnificent parade by the Army past 
the city gates failed of its purpose. The Enemy wouldn’t open up the gates. Neither were their eyes dazzled 
by the magnificence of the Army. And they evidently had their ear muff’s on, for they paid no attention to 
the Loud Noise. 

The Mysterious "We” had a secret conference with Our Gallant General, who in turn had a secret con¬ 
ference In the Tent, with our gallant candidate. It was decided that Our Gallant Candidate should sing 
loud on the Enemy’s three-cent platform, while the Council should keep very still. And then a Great Moral 
Crusade will be started, a regular whirlwind of a crusade. Today Our Gallant General is rehearsing the 
Army’s Celebrated Male Quartet on campaign songs to be used in the Whirlwind Crusade. As a leader he 
makes Sousa and Creatore look like a nickel’s worth of bananas. And the quartet sing in beautiful harmony. 

Signor W. Brown and Signor Locke are the tenors and Signors Cohn and O’Dwyer sing basso profundo 
allegretti spaghetti. They sing together real cute, although each sings a different tune. They sang the whole 
Army to sleep tonight, and it is Our Gallant General’s fond hope that they will sing the Enemy to sleep so 
the Brown-O’Dwyer Cadets can sneak in and capture Ft. Council. 

Watch for bulletins on the whirlwind. 

BULLETIN—Bartley says he hasn’t made a promise to anybody in this campaign. fLoud applause from 
the Army.J 

Look Out for the Jimmycane 

{By Our Jimmycane War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

ON BOARD THE BIG CON RATTLER, Oct. 28, 1907.—Great doings. Everything in a whirl. 
Our gallant general decided on a whirlwind campaign to knock the stuffing out of the enemy, get his head in 
a whirl on a fake moral crusade, and then sneak in a Big Con Council. After a conference it was decided 
that it should be called a whirlwind campaign, although it is really a Jimmycane. A Jimmycane, so we are 
told by experts on wind and water, is a cross between a moral brainstorm, a financial hurricane and the 
political jim-jams, loaded to the neck with water. 

The Army is practicing today for the Jimmycane campaign. That’s why everything is in a whirl. War 
Artist Sid Smith got a good picture of the Army at rehearsal today, which I am sending by wireless photog¬ 
raphy. Our gallant general expects to have the enemy dizzy by next Tuesday so they will forget all about the 
franchise, while the Brown-O’Dwyer Cadets are capturing Ft. Council. 

BULLETIN—Later—Glad news. Courier just arrived with information that more recruits are en 
route to Toledo from Columbus. 

Political Vaudeville 

{By Our Jimmycane War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

WITH THE BIG CON ARMY, Oct. 30, 1907.—Our Gallant General is a resourceful cuss. He likes 
to keep the army well jollied up, doncherknow. The campaign has been long, hard and weary, and the 
soldiers were a bit tired. So our Gallant General rigged up a vaudeville stage in camp and arranged a few 
stunts in Polite Political Vaudeville. The evening’s entertainment was very lovely, perfectly lovely, in fact, 
and all the good folks retired to their tents well entertained and charmingly pleased. All voted Our Gallant 
General a royal host. 

The idea itself was real cute. Tragedy, farce-comedy, comic and grand opera were delightly mixed 
with melodrama. Our Gallant General led the Roman army, imitating Caesar crossing the Rubicon. Editor 
Locke was the serio-comic tragedian. He occupied the center of the stage twirling Miss Toledo in a mad¬ 
dening wirlwind, giving it a very Jimmycane effect. In the meantime Capts. Brown and O’Dwyer copped 
out The Chee-ild and kidnapped the Franchise. Ed. Eckert, with his trusty steed, stood ready to gallop 
like mad up Big Con Gulch to the rendezvous of the Band. The music was furnished by the Anvil Chorus, 
the Knockers from Columbus, making the noise. Some of Our Best Citizens occupied the boxes. Most 
conspicuous were Five Biggest Taxpayers, who will form the commission to be appointed by Our Gallant 
General to decide what kind of a franchise is best for the city. All looked like ready money in their glad rags. 
The new leaders of the O’Dwyer cadets occupied one of the boxes. The Mysterious "We” stood to the left, 
watching the proceedings. Old Mr. Common People was tied to the rails, and the Big Con express is coming 
down the mountain scenery. The scenic effects were great. The whirlwind prima donna sang a beautiful 
ditty especially composed for the occasion. It is given with consent of the Army. 

BULLETIN—There is a strange glitter in the general’s eye. It is taken to mean that something is 
about to be doing. Everybody expects a Call to Arms, the evening’s entertainment being to rest the Army 
up a bit. 


In His Great One-Act Stunt Entitled: "Whirling the Whirlwind Without Any Whiskers to Deceive the 
(By Special Permission oj the Old Ladies Hum Journal, Copyrot, 1907 } 


Oh whirl me around again, Robbie, around and around 
and around. 

Your whirlwinds are dandy, they’re just the right candy, 
You joker! You’re always a clown. 

Don’t fear, Robbie dear, you won’t weary us, you’re funniest 
Rob, when you’re serious. 

So whirl me around again, Robbie, around and around 
and around. 

Oh whirl me aground again, Bobbie, aground, and aground 
and aground. 

Get busy and edit and smash the town’s credit 
But don’t soil your paddies or gown. 

Remember, my sweet, you’re a regular Puck, so fill up your 
Blade with a new load of muck 
And whirl me aground again, Bobbie, AGROUND and 

Oh whirl me awound again, Wobbie, awound and awound 
and awound! 

Don’t think you will bore us, we’ll all join the chorus 
And whirl your crusade off the ground. 

We haven’t laughed hard for an awful long while, so don 
your tuxedo and stick on your tile, 

And whirl me awound again, Wobbie, awound and awound 
and awound. 

Oh whirl me around again, Robert, around and around 
and around. 

For uplifting morals YOU take all the laurels— 

A skeezix you are, I’ll be bound! 

Brownie and Spitzer and Eckert and Cohn are pikers as 
minstrels, for you’re the real Bones, 

So whirl me around again, Robert, around and around 
and around! 

A Call to Arms 

{By Our Special War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

WITH THE BIG CON ARMY, Oct. 31, 1907.—After the vaudeville entertainment Our Gallant 
General ordered the Army to bed to take a good sleep. All went home laughing heartily. But this morning 
there was action. The stirring notes of the bugle rang through the misty morning atmosphere, and the 
rat-a-tat-tat of the snare drum awoke the slumbering heroes. It was a call to ARMS. Then did every 
hero stretch his arms, draw in a deep breath, thump himself on the chest and begin to get into his fighting 
clothes. Capt. Tracy played prettily on the bugle and made a cute little noise. Robbie Locke got to whirl¬ 
winding again, and looked stunning in his comic opera uniform. Eckert’s trusty war steed jumped from his 
stall and went through the air like a streak of greased lightning. He was headed for Ft. Council. Our gal¬ 
lant General himself looked like a composite picture of Julius Caesar, Marc Antony, Hannibal, Friar Tuck, 
Falstaff and Marcus Aurelius. And his dappled gray war horse snorted forth fire from his quivering nostrils. 
It was a glorious scene, one never to be forgotten. Even The Mysterious "We” got busy and worked up their 
fighting blood. Likewise Five of Our Biggest Taxpayers. Something about to be doing. 

BULLETIN—Rumors that the Army is about to make a desperate charge on the Enemy. 

BULLETIN—Later—It is hinted that the charge of Big Con brigade will be a regular Jimmy cane. 
Mind your eye and look out for the splinters. 

The Charge of the Big Con Army 

{By Our Moral War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

WITH THE ARMY ON THE JUMP, Nov. 1, 1907.—The Army is in fierce action today. At last it 
looks like real war. Our Gallant General is determined to capture Ft. Council and grab off the franchise. 
No sooner did every hero respond to the stirring call to arms than our Gallant General mustered them in 
battle array, jabbed the cruel spurs deep into the quivering flanks of his nervous warhorse, and with set teeth 
and flashing eye gave the command to charge. I am watching the charge through opera-glasses and there 
appears to be some confusion. This may be because of the Jimmycane influence. Our Heroes are charging 
in all directions and at everything in sight and out of sight. There is a strong suspicion that the Army is 
charging in the direction of Ft. Council. If the Army hits the fort amidships I wouldn’t be surprised if 
something would spring a leak and sink the fort in the ocean or sweep it across the prairies. 

BULLETIN—Just learned that before the charge was ordered Our Gallant General ordered all of the 
canteens filled with sweet cider and the knapsacks with home-grown doughnuts. 

BULLETIN—Later—Capt. Locke appears to be leading a regular Jimmycane charge at the head of the 
Moral Dragoons. He is being followed up by the ambulance corps. He carries his own scenery. 

The Storming of Fort Council 

fBy Our Jimmycane War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

BEFORE FT. COUNCIL, Nov. 2, 1907.—At last the Army has got down to business. The charge 
was furious and the assault is on. Led by Our Gallant General, in full uniform, the Army is now storming 
Fort Council with fierce desperation. Capt. Locke is whirlwinding the Jimmycane two-step on one side of 
the fort to attract attention, while the Big Con Army is trying to tear holes through the ramparts of the fort. 
The war chest has been opened and the coin turned loose in a golden shower to stimulate the soldiers, but 
the Army expects to get it back with big interest when they capture the fort and walk off with the franchise 

BULLETIN—Bartley has been looking at the weather indications. The barometer is falling, the sky 
is clouding up and there are indications of a snow storm headed this way. 

BULLETIN—Later—Capt. Cy Brady has rejoined the Army, but Alfred-Ophelia is still dead. Poor 

Bad Weather Hits the Army 

{By Our Snowstorm War Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

IN THE CAMP OF THE BIG CON ARMY, Nov. 4.—Gee! But it’s getting cold. Weather indi¬ 
cations yesterday predicted a blizzard. Today it is snowing like the dickens. The Army has a chill that 
even Capt. Cy Brady’s warm conversation couldn’t thaw. Operations are almost entirely suspended, 
except that of the sappers and miners who are trying to undermine Ft. Council. But they are working under 
cover, and are kept warm by fuel contributed by the generous Big Con. It is feared that the Army can’t 
proceed with the campaign, if this last desperate attempt to capture Ft. Council fails. So the Army has the 
blues, though Our Gallant General still sits astride his fiery steed engaged in deep thought. He got word 
from a courier that the enemy was out in force Saturday night, and was preparing for a grand charge on 
Tuesday against the Army. 

BULLETIN—Capt. Cy Brady tried to warm the Army up with some tabasco sauce oratory, while Bob 
Locke was setting ’em up to ice water. But it didn’t seem to do the work. 

BULLETIN—Later—Still snowing like the dickens. It really looks as if we might have a blizzard 
about tomorrow. There are icicles on the Jimmycane. 

And Still it Snows 

^By Our Snowstorm Correspondent, Johnny Onthespot.J 

IN THE CAMP OF THE ARMY, Nov. 5, 1907.—And still it snows. The thermometer keeps going 
down, and the Army is in the dumps. Some tried whistling to keep up their courage, but their whistles 
froze up. And the beautiful snow kept falling. Capts. Tracy and Clarence Brown suggested appealing to 
the circuit court to stop the snow with an injunction, habeas corpus, certiorari, dingbattis or something of 
the sort, but Our Gallant General couldn’t hear them. And the beautiful snow kept falling. Eckert hitched 
his fiery steed to a Big Con snow plow and tried to make a path for the Army. But the beautiful snow kept 
falling. Bob Locke’s feet kept getting colder. The water wagon froze up, too, and none of the Army dared 
take to rum. Cyrus cried for an automobile, and Sid Smith’s generous goat was touched with pity and gave 
him Old 348. The Army may have to go into winter quarters. Things look gloomy. And the beautiful 
snow keeps falling. 

BULLETIN—No word by courier. The couriers can’t get through the beautiful snow. There are 
rumors that the Enemy is charging on the ballot box all over town. 

BULLETIN—Indications are that John Henry is running like molasses in January. 

BULLETIN—Later—The beautiful snow keeps falling. 

Lost in the Big Snow 

{By Our Snowstorm War Correspondent, Johnny Onthesnowslide.J 

ON THE SNOWSLIDE, Nov. 6.—Gee! How it did snow. The circuit court didn’t stop it with an 
injunction. Nothing else stopped it. It just kept snowing. And the Army is buried under the beautiful 
snow. A few hands, legs and things are sticking out of the snow, but otherwise the Army has disappeared. 
Even the tent is covered up. The first few flakes buried Ben. And later on Rudolph gave up the Army ghost. 
The Mysterious "We” is buried clear to the hat. Our Gallant General, like a true hero, stuck to Army to 
the last, and with one last snort finally sunk down into the beautiful. The Anvil Chorus of Columbus 
knockers froze up in their own slanderous ooze, and Eckert’s war horse turned up his toes, gave one gasp 
and croaked. Bob Locke’s cold feet froze stiff, and he went under the snow after trying vainly to reach 
Brown, Cohn and Nauts. And Jim and Bill and Jay and Barton and all the rest of the Big Con Army went 
the way of all of their officers. The Army is now in winter quarters—deep, down under the snow. And Ft. 
Council and Ft. Franchise are still untouched. 

BULLETIN—Gee! How it did snow! And there’s a cold winter coming. 

BULLETIN—Later—The Goat is in full possession of the field of battle. Rumored that the water in 
the Big Con has frozen solid, and that there will be good skating for the enemy. 

The Old-Time Side Show 



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